So I was off in Pennsylvania with my parents, with no internet access, and thus, no updates on the blog, for the Christmas break. Not that there's much to say, since the Habs have apparently not been playing a whole lot of hockey. (At least, nothing worth talking about).
I promise updates are coming, including a review of "NHL Slapshot" for Wii, and something nice to say about Don Cherry's Christmas gift for me. No, seriously!
Happy New Year. I'll be spending it with an old friend who happens to be a Sabres fan.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Good Picard: 1, Evil Picard: 2
So the Good Picard put one in the Avalanche net, but Evil Picard showed up from the Alternate Universe and totally fucked the Habs over. I'm surprised he didn't have a goatee.
Question for Jacques: Just why is Alexandre Picard playing with PK Subban? You have two rookie defensemen, one with a penchant for pushing up ice, the other with a knack for just being out of position. Why not split them up and have them play with complementary players, rather than enhancing each other's mistakes?
In all, the game was a good one, but why, oh why, isn't Shea Weber playing instead of Picard? Why isn't Subban paired with Hamr or Gorges?
Of course, Martin will probably blame Subban for Picard's bone-headed positioning mistakes. To that I say, coach, when you point the finger, you have several pointing right back at you.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Bruins-Habs recap
Well, another Bruins game has come and gone, and it's time to break it down.
First of all, let's address Mr. Mark Recchi:
Dear Mark: STFU. It's bad form to yap, complain, and run your mouth at 90 mph, and then flap your hands in a mock gesture of 'yapping' at the other team's bench. Um, Mark, meet the kettle. You're the retarded pot.
What has the NHL come to? Since when is a solid, devastating, and perfectly legal hit a cause for calling the other team a bunch of dirty players? Just what IS wrong with Mark Recchi? And just what is Boston Herald hockey writer Stephen Harris smoking? "The Canadiens are a despicable and dirty little hockey team that loves to dish out nasty cheap shots, often from behind, often after the whistle -and shows not the slightest willingness to back up the stickwork by dropping the gloves."
He must have missed Michael Cammalleri's split-decision with David Krejci.
He also must have missed Milan Lucic's strange absence from all the complaining. Let's agree on one thing: If things are getting dirty or out of hand, Lucic is one of the first on the scene to make the other team accountable. Lucic played well, but wasn't losing his head like his suddenly-insane teammates.
In hockey, if you get hit clean and hard, you get up, keep your mouth shut, and try to do better next time. That's what Brad Marchand did. Krejci, Recchi, and Harris need to take note.
Cammalleri's fight with Krejci was an example of how hockey fights can still be exciting and spontaneous. I'll take one of those honest, non-scheduled fights over Domi-Probert any day. (Well, then again, those were some AMAZING fights.) That was a fight that Bruins AND Habs fans could agree was a good one.
Interesting seeing two Vezina front-runners both giving up some weak goals, and also making some amazing saves.
Did anything else happen? I must have missed it.
Good game, but please Bruins, keep your mouths shut. The Flyers give you plenty to complain about already. Stick to complaining about teams that really are dirty.
First of all, let's address Mr. Mark Recchi:
Dear Mark: STFU. It's bad form to yap, complain, and run your mouth at 90 mph, and then flap your hands in a mock gesture of 'yapping' at the other team's bench. Um, Mark, meet the kettle. You're the retarded pot.
What has the NHL come to? Since when is a solid, devastating, and perfectly legal hit a cause for calling the other team a bunch of dirty players? Just what IS wrong with Mark Recchi? And just what is Boston Herald hockey writer Stephen Harris smoking? "The Canadiens are a despicable and dirty little hockey team that loves to dish out nasty cheap shots, often from behind, often after the whistle -and shows not the slightest willingness to back up the stickwork by dropping the gloves."
He must have missed Michael Cammalleri's split-decision with David Krejci.
He also must have missed Milan Lucic's strange absence from all the complaining. Let's agree on one thing: If things are getting dirty or out of hand, Lucic is one of the first on the scene to make the other team accountable. Lucic played well, but wasn't losing his head like his suddenly-insane teammates.
In hockey, if you get hit clean and hard, you get up, keep your mouth shut, and try to do better next time. That's what Brad Marchand did. Krejci, Recchi, and Harris need to take note.
Cammalleri's fight with Krejci was an example of how hockey fights can still be exciting and spontaneous. I'll take one of those honest, non-scheduled fights over Domi-Probert any day. (Well, then again, those were some AMAZING fights.) That was a fight that Bruins AND Habs fans could agree was a good one.
Interesting seeing two Vezina front-runners both giving up some weak goals, and also making some amazing saves.
Did anything else happen? I must have missed it.
Good game, but please Bruins, keep your mouths shut. The Flyers give you plenty to complain about already. Stick to complaining about teams that really are dirty.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
What would you do?
If you were in Jacques Martin's position, what would you do?
Who would you start for a non-conference, first-of-two-in-a-row, non-rivalry game?
Who would you start for the intra-divisional, Saturday night, rivalry game?
Would you perhaps throw out the backup goalie for that throwaway Friday night game? Would you perhaps put your franchise goalie in for Hockey Night in Canada, against a Leafs team that always steps up their game against the Habs?
In the end, you have to ask, "Which game is more important?"
It's just a question, and hindsight is 20-20, but I asked these questions before 7 pm on Friday night, and came to a much different conclusion than Jacques Martin apparently did.
Who would you start for a non-conference, first-of-two-in-a-row, non-rivalry game?
Who would you start for the intra-divisional, Saturday night, rivalry game?
Would you perhaps throw out the backup goalie for that throwaway Friday night game? Would you perhaps put your franchise goalie in for Hockey Night in Canada, against a Leafs team that always steps up their game against the Habs?
In the end, you have to ask, "Which game is more important?"
It's just a question, and hindsight is 20-20, but I asked these questions before 7 pm on Friday night, and came to a much different conclusion than Jacques Martin apparently did.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
A Tale of Two Shitties
Let's look closer at the Habs' season so far. Carey Price has been going great guns, and so has Kostitsyn and Plekanec. But as soon as someone like Mike Cammalleri gets put on a line with Scott Gomez, his numbers go south like a duck in winter. And as soon as someone like Brian Gionta gets moved away from Gomez, he benefits from having decent line mates like Pleks and Big Tits.
Scott Gomez is the reason the Habs are not as good as they could be. Yes, there are two Czech defensemen who are largely to blame for Montreal's shallow defense, but let's look at offense, as well as why the Habs can't afford decent players.
Let's cast our sights through the vaulted aisles of memory, to the signing of Sergei Samsonov. Montreal signed him to a $7.05 million contract in the summer of 2006. He was supposed to provide offense and flash to the Montreal offense. What he brought instead was a chorus of boos from Montreal fans.
In 63 games in Montreal, Samsonov scored nine goals and 17 assists. Remember, he was being paid roughly 3.525 million for that season of 26 points.
Now let's look at Scott Gomez's number from last year: he played 78 games, with a total 12 goals and 47 assists (59 points). Most damningly, Gomez was meagre +1 Gomez was supposed to bring the sort of defensive responsibility that Samsonov lacked, but was basically even for the year. For that offensive explosion, Gomez was paid eight million dollars.
So let's look at ratios: Samsonov got paid $135,577 per point in what was objectively a terrible season.
Scott Gomez got paid 135,593 per point last year.
The numbers are nearly identical.
Scott Gomez is just as big a disappointment as Samsonov was. What's worse, he eats up more cap space, making it harder to find actually GOOD players to counteract his crappy offensive production, or to prevent pucks from getting shot at Carey Price.
When we look at Gomez's offensive output this season, the picture gets even worse.
In the past minute, I watched Scott Gomez score a goal against the Edmonton Oilers. That is his third goal of the season. He has five assists. We're at the quarter-pole for the season, so that puts Gomez on track for a 32-point season.
Folks, that means Scott Gomez is getting paid 250,000 per point this season.
Brian Gionta is on track to earn $83,333 per point. Tomas Plekanec, coming off a contract year (typically the post-contract hangover is severe) is on pace to earn $54,347 per point.
My point, my dear readers, is that Scott Gomez is an ape. We would be better served by having a monkey paid a million bucks a year to do nothing but fling poopy at the opposing team's bus as it pulls into the Bell Centre.
Gomez is a tool. A douchebag. An overrated, washed-up, waste of breathing air.
Until he is gone from this team, or starts pulling one-tenth of his own weight, this team will suffer as a result of having him around.
He makes everyone around him worse, and his very presence ensures that Montreal cannot be as good as it could be.
Scott Gomez is the reason the Habs are not as good as they could be. Yes, there are two Czech defensemen who are largely to blame for Montreal's shallow defense, but let's look at offense, as well as why the Habs can't afford decent players.
Let's cast our sights through the vaulted aisles of memory, to the signing of Sergei Samsonov. Montreal signed him to a $7.05 million contract in the summer of 2006. He was supposed to provide offense and flash to the Montreal offense. What he brought instead was a chorus of boos from Montreal fans.
In 63 games in Montreal, Samsonov scored nine goals and 17 assists. Remember, he was being paid roughly 3.525 million for that season of 26 points.
Now let's look at Scott Gomez's number from last year: he played 78 games, with a total 12 goals and 47 assists (59 points). Most damningly, Gomez was meagre +1 Gomez was supposed to bring the sort of defensive responsibility that Samsonov lacked, but was basically even for the year. For that offensive explosion, Gomez was paid eight million dollars.
So let's look at ratios: Samsonov got paid $135,577 per point in what was objectively a terrible season.
Scott Gomez got paid 135,593 per point last year.
The numbers are nearly identical.
Scott Gomez is just as big a disappointment as Samsonov was. What's worse, he eats up more cap space, making it harder to find actually GOOD players to counteract his crappy offensive production, or to prevent pucks from getting shot at Carey Price.
When we look at Gomez's offensive output this season, the picture gets even worse.
In the past minute, I watched Scott Gomez score a goal against the Edmonton Oilers. That is his third goal of the season. He has five assists. We're at the quarter-pole for the season, so that puts Gomez on track for a 32-point season.
Folks, that means Scott Gomez is getting paid 250,000 per point this season.
Brian Gionta is on track to earn $83,333 per point. Tomas Plekanec, coming off a contract year (typically the post-contract hangover is severe) is on pace to earn $54,347 per point.
My point, my dear readers, is that Scott Gomez is an ape. We would be better served by having a monkey paid a million bucks a year to do nothing but fling poopy at the opposing team's bus as it pulls into the Bell Centre.
Gomez is a tool. A douchebag. An overrated, washed-up, waste of breathing air.
Until he is gone from this team, or starts pulling one-tenth of his own weight, this team will suffer as a result of having him around.
He makes everyone around him worse, and his very presence ensures that Montreal cannot be as good as it could be.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Flyers' alternate history
Here is last night's game, through the eyes of Mike Richards and Flyers fans. Watch for the scene of PK Subban "getting the message" as the Flyers announcer put it.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
About last night:
For all my readers, I apologize for not updating in a while. It seems I've been missing every single Habs game with work or other commitments lately.
So, here are a few observations from last night:
Don Cherry is still an idiot, and getting worse. Here's a hint, Don: Don't show highlights of a team (Canucks) that got shut out (by the Habs) as an example of how to activate your d-men to get offense. It only makes you look foolish and biased. Oh wait...
And while we're on the subject of offensive D-men, we all know why you won't talk about a certain rookie defenseman, due only to the colors of his jersey, and maybe the color of his skin too.
Carolina: Want to know why teams run up the score against you? Because you're a bunch of assholes. You never pull up or go easy when the game is out of reach, so teams feel obligated to slam you down until you won't get up any more. Case in point: pasty-faced captains who injure our best defenseman on a questionable play in the corner.
Dear Jack Edwards: the takedown counts for shit in a hockey fight. If anything, it signals that you are too tired or outmatched to continue. So Mark Recchi=fight loss.
Looks like I was way too optimistic in my projection about the Leafs' success this season. I thought the slide would come after the All-Star break.
Speaking of All-Stars. can someone explain why the Leafs have four on the ballot why the Habs only get three?
Back to the Habs: Holy shit what a save. That may be a highlight that will stick to him like the one Mike Richter made in the '94 finals.
Hamr actually played some good defense. On one play in particular he didn't go for the Frankie Bouillon crunch, but instead calmly played the body and separated the man from the puck. Good that he's actually playing to his strengths, and not trying to be someone he's not.
I am in love with the PHD line.
I didn't know Lars Eller was even playing until the third period. I'm worried.
In all, I'm very happy about last night and the last few games. Keep it up, especially that gorgeous breakout. But boys, please start learning to play with the lead better.
So, here are a few observations from last night:
Don Cherry is still an idiot, and getting worse. Here's a hint, Don: Don't show highlights of a team (Canucks) that got shut out (by the Habs) as an example of how to activate your d-men to get offense. It only makes you look foolish and biased. Oh wait...
And while we're on the subject of offensive D-men, we all know why you won't talk about a certain rookie defenseman, due only to the colors of his jersey, and maybe the color of his skin too.
Carolina: Want to know why teams run up the score against you? Because you're a bunch of assholes. You never pull up or go easy when the game is out of reach, so teams feel obligated to slam you down until you won't get up any more. Case in point: pasty-faced captains who injure our best defenseman on a questionable play in the corner.
Dear Jack Edwards: the takedown counts for shit in a hockey fight. If anything, it signals that you are too tired or outmatched to continue. So Mark Recchi=fight loss.
Looks like I was way too optimistic in my projection about the Leafs' success this season. I thought the slide would come after the All-Star break.
Speaking of All-Stars. can someone explain why the Leafs have four on the ballot why the Habs only get three?
Back to the Habs: Holy shit what a save. That may be a highlight that will stick to him like the one Mike Richter made in the '94 finals.
Hamr actually played some good defense. On one play in particular he didn't go for the Frankie Bouillon crunch, but instead calmly played the body and separated the man from the puck. Good that he's actually playing to his strengths, and not trying to be someone he's not.
I am in love with the PHD line.
I didn't know Lars Eller was even playing until the third period. I'm worried.
In all, I'm very happy about last night and the last few games. Keep it up, especially that gorgeous breakout. But boys, please start learning to play with the lead better.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Meet the new Habs...Same as the old Habs
Is anyone else (and I include Montreal Canadiens players and staff in this) sick and fucking tired of getting shut out by the Devils, every damn time the Habs play them? At the very least, is anyone out there sick of penclilling in an "L" on the calendar on the days the Habs play the Devils? 'Cause I sure as hell am. But it doesn't seem this team has had its fill of losing to the New Jersey Devils.
Let us know when you feel like winning a game against the boringest, fan fail-est team in the NHL, boys.
Jesus. I deserve to get paid for the time I've wasted watching Montreal shit the bed against New Jersey.
Let us know when you feel like winning a game against the boringest, fan fail-est team in the NHL, boys.
Jesus. I deserve to get paid for the time I've wasted watching Montreal shit the bed against New Jersey.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Lightning 2, Referees 2, Canadiens 3
And so goes a normal day in Don Van Massenhoven land, where the Canadiens commit invisible slashes, apparently only detectable by his super x-ray eyes; where trips from Lightning players that lead directly to goals are not called due to mitigating circumstances that normal humans cannot comprehend; where interference on goalies, where they are pushed down to the ice, is not in the Special Edition NHL rulebook upon which only a select few have ever laid eyes.
And thus, Montreal is robbed of two points, and one of Bettman's Follies is granted two points.
Fuck this league.
And thus, Montreal is robbed of two points, and one of Bettman's Follies is granted two points.
Fuck this league.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Live tweet for tonight's game
WTF was the shit-ass music before the game, CBC?
Bob Cole should be wearing a Leafs sweater, given that he actively cheers for them on the air.
Hearing Mike Komisarek booed IN TORONTO is effing beautiful. Fucker.
No problem mistaking Scott Gomez for Saku Koivu, given the lack of skill, and the big head the former possesses.
I still believe in you Carey...
Oh Hal Gill...
This Lars Eller kid is the real deal.
Montreal finally scores! Nice job by Lappy and Boyd.
Now we're settling into a real hockey game.
No call on the trip...no surprise.
Annnnnnd a Montreal penalty. Typical NHL/Tronna officiating. Here's my obligatory invitation for Gary Bettman to eat shit and die. Now back to our originally scheduled programming...
When, o when, is Carey Price going to play his way, not the bullshit "Go down early and often" butterfly style that DOES NOT WORK FOR HIM?
Don't bother mentioning the enormous rebound Giguere left, Jim Hughson
And with that, we eagerly await our first installment of Racist Ramblings!
You WOULD like Colby Armstrong, wouldn't you, Don?
End period
Observation on the Leafs: good top two lines, ECHL-level bottom two. This is going to be a horrible team after the All-Star break.
A Leafs penalty? Shocking!
Plekanec is making worse decisions with the puck than even Scott Gomez. Montreal, say hello to the new Jan Bulis.
I thought slew-footing was illegal? Oh right, not if you're wearing blue and white.
Good power plays.
Annnnd a bad puck decision from Gomez negates an excellent play from Subban. Scott, you can join Gary Bettman at the dinner table.
Turnovers from Komisarek are a beautiful thing.
Watching pre-season, I was not impressed with Mathieu Darche. Nothing has changed with that delay-of-game penalty.
End period
Whoa. What a bad song.
Enough crappy defense on both sides to supply the Maginot line.
Diving Leaf = Montreal penalty. Not even surprised enough to be mad. 2-man advantage.
Turning into a good finish.
Colby, you dive like that again, I'll come down there and kick your ass myself. And your daddy Don Cherry.
How many times does Montreal need to touch the puck before the referees decide the play is dead?
Did Price actually make that save, or did it hit the post?
Good way to finish: Scott Gomez does his best to fuck things up, but the puck is on PK's stick for the final play. This is the way the season will go.
Bob Cole should be wearing a Leafs sweater, given that he actively cheers for them on the air.
Hearing Mike Komisarek booed IN TORONTO is effing beautiful. Fucker.
No problem mistaking Scott Gomez for Saku Koivu, given the lack of skill, and the big head the former possesses.
I still believe in you Carey...
Oh Hal Gill...
This Lars Eller kid is the real deal.
Montreal finally scores! Nice job by Lappy and Boyd.
Now we're settling into a real hockey game.
No call on the trip...no surprise.
Annnnnnd a Montreal penalty. Typical NHL/Tronna officiating. Here's my obligatory invitation for Gary Bettman to eat shit and die. Now back to our originally scheduled programming...
When, o when, is Carey Price going to play his way, not the bullshit "Go down early and often" butterfly style that DOES NOT WORK FOR HIM?
Don't bother mentioning the enormous rebound Giguere left, Jim Hughson
And with that, we eagerly await our first installment of Racist Ramblings!
You WOULD like Colby Armstrong, wouldn't you, Don?
End period
Observation on the Leafs: good top two lines, ECHL-level bottom two. This is going to be a horrible team after the All-Star break.
A Leafs penalty? Shocking!
Plekanec is making worse decisions with the puck than even Scott Gomez. Montreal, say hello to the new Jan Bulis.
I thought slew-footing was illegal? Oh right, not if you're wearing blue and white.
Good power plays.
Annnnd a bad puck decision from Gomez negates an excellent play from Subban. Scott, you can join Gary Bettman at the dinner table.
Turnovers from Komisarek are a beautiful thing.
Watching pre-season, I was not impressed with Mathieu Darche. Nothing has changed with that delay-of-game penalty.
End period
Whoa. What a bad song.
Enough crappy defense on both sides to supply the Maginot line.
Diving Leaf = Montreal penalty. Not even surprised enough to be mad. 2-man advantage.
Turning into a good finish.
Colby, you dive like that again, I'll come down there and kick your ass myself. And your daddy Don Cherry.
How many times does Montreal need to touch the puck before the referees decide the play is dead?
Did Price actually make that save, or did it hit the post?
Good way to finish: Scott Gomez does his best to fuck things up, but the puck is on PK's stick for the final play. This is the way the season will go.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Dear NHL
When will you announce the suspension for Nino Niederreither?
I have every confidence that all your talk about hits to the head is not bullshit and smoke.
I await your response.
I have every confidence that all your talk about hits to the head is not bullshit and smoke.
I await your response.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
The Jerry Seinfeld Award:
Awarded to the most obnoxious, asshole fans in the league
And the winners are:
Philadelphia Flyers fans
Montreal Gazette reporter Pat Hickey had his tires slashed while he was in Philadelphia covering the Flyers-Habs series. All because he had Quebec plates. Nice job, Philly fans. Way to bring honor and respect to your city. Of course, that shit-ass town did not have far to fall, as its residents have made a reputation for taking the frustration of living in their putrid, decaying cesspool out on anyone who has the misfortune of passing through. If anyone represents the average Philadelphian, it's Daniel Carcillo. Greasy, obnoxious, ill-mannered, ugly, and stupid; and convinced that these foul qualities make him "colorful."
And the winners are:
Philadelphia Flyers fans
Montreal Gazette reporter Pat Hickey had his tires slashed while he was in Philadelphia covering the Flyers-Habs series. All because he had Quebec plates. Nice job, Philly fans. Way to bring honor and respect to your city. Of course, that shit-ass town did not have far to fall, as its residents have made a reputation for taking the frustration of living in their putrid, decaying cesspool out on anyone who has the misfortune of passing through. If anyone represents the average Philadelphian, it's Daniel Carcillo. Greasy, obnoxious, ill-mannered, ugly, and stupid; and convinced that these foul qualities make him "colorful."
Friday, September 3, 2010
Hooray!
We finally have a goalie.
Oh right, it's Carey Price.
Well, back to watching Habs-Pens highlights...
Oh right, it's Carey Price.
Well, back to watching Habs-Pens highlights...
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Pierre Gauthier: "We have the goalie we want."
After much speculation regarding who would be the number one goalie for the Habs this upcoming season, Canadiens' GM Pierre Gauthier finally put those to rest by saying that the Habs were going forward with Alex Auld as their number one.
"We feel we have a really competitive team right now. Last year's playoff run was a step in the right direction, and we now feel we have all the right pieces in place to build on that success."
No word yet as to whether any other teams are pursuing now former Habs goalie, Carey Price. When asked whether they made the right decision in trading Jaroslav Halak, Gauthier commented,
"We were very grateful for the outstanding play and dedication we received from Jaro. However, we feel that Alex Auld is the future of our club. We wish Jaro all the best, but as most folks know, this is a business, and we feel that Alex gives us the best chance of winning the Cup."
"We feel we have a really competitive team right now. Last year's playoff run was a step in the right direction, and we now feel we have all the right pieces in place to build on that success."
No word yet as to whether any other teams are pursuing now former Habs goalie, Carey Price. When asked whether they made the right decision in trading Jaroslav Halak, Gauthier commented,
"We were very grateful for the outstanding play and dedication we received from Jaro. However, we feel that Alex Auld is the future of our club. We wish Jaro all the best, but as most folks know, this is a business, and we feel that Alex gives us the best chance of winning the Cup."
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Special Weekend edition
Dear TSN:
No one cares about Tomas Kaberle.
NO ONE.
So, like, report on something else.
Sincerely,
Everyone.
No one cares about Tomas Kaberle.
NO ONE.
So, like, report on something else.
Sincerely,
Everyone.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
The Barry Melrose Award
Awarded to the league's most obnoxious douchebag broadcaster
And the winner is:
Jeremy Roenick
A few thoughts to share with you, JR:
And the winner is:
Jeremy Roenick
A few thoughts to share with you, JR:
- You're as much a Flyer as you are a Blackhawk
- Be that as it may, you're not really part of either team, since you're in the broadcast booth and your playing days are over.
- STFU. This is THEIR moment, not yours.
- Thanks for making a wonderful moment into one of the most awkward I've ever witnessed.
- Did I mention STFU?
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Karri is a Canadien!
No, you're not seeing another one of Jaroslav Halak's awesome posts from Four Habs Fans.
We're talking about Karri Ramo, the Finnish goaltender the Habs just acquired for Cedrick Desjardins.
Sacre Bleu! Trading away a French-Canadian?
No word yet on Carey Price and what the hell is taking so long for him to come to a contract, but I'm sure it's no big deal. I'm sure of it. I'm pretty much positively sure it's no big deal. No reason to worry...
We're talking about Karri Ramo, the Finnish goaltender the Habs just acquired for Cedrick Desjardins.
Sacre Bleu! Trading away a French-Canadian?
No word yet on Carey Price and what the hell is taking so long for him to come to a contract, but I'm sure it's no big deal. I'm sure of it. I'm pretty much positively sure it's no big deal. No reason to worry...
Thursday, August 12, 2010
The Mario Tremblay Memorial Trophy
Awarded to the league's worst coach
And the winner is:
John Tortorella
How many times can we talk about a Rangers team that was far worse than they should have been? As many times as it takes until someone finally does something about it. A team with the likes of Marion Gaborik, Chris Drury, Vaclav Prospal, Olli Jokinen, And a bunch of talented younger players should not struggle to score. But struggle they did, and the final nail came when Tortorella held his team back from going on all-out offense in the dying moments of the final game of the season. The gamble did not pay off: The Rangers lost in the shootout, and the team missed the playoffs.
Whatever it is you tried to do last season, you should do the opposite this year, Mr. Tortorella.
And the winner is:
John Tortorella
How many times can we talk about a Rangers team that was far worse than they should have been? As many times as it takes until someone finally does something about it. A team with the likes of Marion Gaborik, Chris Drury, Vaclav Prospal, Olli Jokinen, And a bunch of talented younger players should not struggle to score. But struggle they did, and the final nail came when Tortorella held his team back from going on all-out offense in the dying moments of the final game of the season. The gamble did not pay off: The Rangers lost in the shootout, and the team missed the playoffs.
Whatever it is you tried to do last season, you should do the opposite this year, Mr. Tortorella.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The other shoe drops
Bolstered by a judge's completely arbitrary, unfounded ruling on the Kovalchuk contract, the NHL is now on a rampage, going after the front-loaded contracts of several other players.
So far, The NHL is going after Marc Savard, Chris Pronger, Marion Hossa, and Roberto Luongo.
Told you so.
Anyone still think the judge made a good ruling?
When your favorite player is torn from his team because the NHL has decided it doesn't like his contract, where will you stand?
Incidentally, I don't see Vincent Lecavalier, Eric Staal, or any other southern players on the NHL's inquisition list.
So far, The NHL is going after Marc Savard, Chris Pronger, Marion Hossa, and Roberto Luongo.
Told you so.
Anyone still think the judge made a good ruling?
When your favorite player is torn from his team because the NHL has decided it doesn't like his contract, where will you stand?
Incidentally, I don't see Vincent Lecavalier, Eric Staal, or any other southern players on the NHL's inquisition list.
Arbitrator in Kovalchuk case: "I can read minds."
The judge's findings of fact:
The judge's findings, based on innuendo, intuition, and extra-legal evaluation:
Awesome. So we can now decide the merits of contracts based, not so much on whether they adhere to existing laws, but whether or not we LIKE them or not. What a wonderful precedent this sets for the NHL to throw out contracts willy nilly.
Watch for Kovalchuk to go to Russia, and the NHL to lose a marquee player.
And this will undoubtedly bolster Bettman's already inflated ego enough to sacrifice another season when the current CBA expires.
What a wonderful day this must be for the crooks at the NHL head office.
- The Contract is for 17 years.
- 17 years is a long time.
- Ilya Kovalchuk is 27 years old.
- The NHL does not like the deal.
The judge's findings, based on innuendo, intuition, and extra-legal evaluation:
- It's not FAIR!
Awesome. So we can now decide the merits of contracts based, not so much on whether they adhere to existing laws, but whether or not we LIKE them or not. What a wonderful precedent this sets for the NHL to throw out contracts willy nilly.
Watch for Kovalchuk to go to Russia, and the NHL to lose a marquee player.
And this will undoubtedly bolster Bettman's already inflated ego enough to sacrifice another season when the current CBA expires.
What a wonderful day this must be for the crooks at the NHL head office.
Monday, August 9, 2010
The Gary Bettman trophy
Awarded for the league's worst management
And the winner is:
The NHL/Phoenix Coyotes
Gary Bettman is the worst league commissioner that ever lived. And that includes Alan Eagleson.
He has made the NHL a laughing stock, and has now made one of its teams into a punchline.
The Phoenix Coyotes have no business-literally-in Arizona. They don't sell tickets, and they drain the rest of the league's revenues.
There are buyers out there. But Gary Bettman has no intention of selling the Coyotes to anyone who will move the team out of Phoenix. No, he insists on making much less money from a sale that keeps the team where it is.
And so far, that sale has not yet materialized. So now Gary is stuck as the owner of a team whose interests are contrary to those of the league's.
Nice going, Barry.
You suck at life.
And the winner is:
The NHL/Phoenix Coyotes
Gary Bettman is the worst league commissioner that ever lived. And that includes Alan Eagleson.
He has made the NHL a laughing stock, and has now made one of its teams into a punchline.
The Phoenix Coyotes have no business-literally-in Arizona. They don't sell tickets, and they drain the rest of the league's revenues.
There are buyers out there. But Gary Bettman has no intention of selling the Coyotes to anyone who will move the team out of Phoenix. No, he insists on making much less money from a sale that keeps the team where it is.
And so far, that sale has not yet materialized. So now Gary is stuck as the owner of a team whose interests are contrary to those of the league's.
Nice going, Barry.
You suck at life.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
The Gorton's Fisherman Memorial Trophy
Awarded for the league's worst uniform
And the winner is:
The Atlanta Thrashers third jersey
As #31 pointed out, this piece of garbage is an ill-conceived attempt to trick Georgians into thinking it's a football uniform.
I can't even begin to explain the weird side panels with the angled stripes. In short, it has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Ugliest uniform in the league.
And the winner is:
The Atlanta Thrashers third jersey
I can't even begin to explain the weird side panels with the angled stripes. In short, it has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Ugliest uniform in the league.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
The Claude Lemieux Trophy
Awarded to the league's biggest pansy for acts of cowardice and gutlessness
And the winner is:
Matt Cooke
Pretty self-explanatory
And the winner is:
Matt Cooke
Pretty self-explanatory
Thursday, July 29, 2010
And the winners are...
Coming soon!
I'll start posting the winners of each Kovy award in the next few days. To get you all in the mood, let's begin with the Coyote Cup.
And the winner of the Coyote Cup, the team that has no business being in its current location is...
The Phoenix Coyotes
(Big effing surprise)
Conflicts of interest, blocking a lucrative sale that would move the franchise, shitty attendance despite a superior record, and bad, bad ice, all made the Phoenix Coyotes a lock to repeat as Coyote Cup champs.
Unless something changes, we could see Phoenix win this trophy for many years to come.
I'll start posting the winners of each Kovy award in the next few days. To get you all in the mood, let's begin with the Coyote Cup.
And the winner of the Coyote Cup, the team that has no business being in its current location is...
The Phoenix Coyotes
(Big effing surprise)
Conflicts of interest, blocking a lucrative sale that would move the franchise, shitty attendance despite a superior record, and bad, bad ice, all made the Phoenix Coyotes a lock to repeat as Coyote Cup champs.
Unless something changes, we could see Phoenix win this trophy for many years to come.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Kovalev's Kousin open letter to Gary Bettman
Dear Gary,
Fuck off.
Let me elaborate:
The sooner you either resign, or die, the better it will be for the NHL, and the sport of hockey.
To further elaborate:
I would like an explanation of why you have summarily rejected the contract that the New jersey Devils and Ilya Kovalchuk recently signed. In no way does the contract contravene any rules of the collective bargaining agreement for which you sacrificed an entire season.
There is no limit on contract length in the CBA.
The CBA has no stipulation limiting the degree to which contracts can be "front-loaded" in order to alleviate the salary cap. New Jersey operated entirely within the limits of the rules of the NHL. It may not have obeyed what you personally think is spirit of the rules, but it obeyed the very letter of the law. You are having a tantrum now, saying the contract circumvents the rules, but that is not New Jersey's problem. It is YOURS. You are paid seven and a quarter million dollars every year to supposedly use your brain and think of eventualities like this. You canceled an entire hockey season to get a salary cap, but didn't think beyond that. And now the rules you insisted on, the rules we fans paid an entire season for, are not good enough?
I couldn't care less about New Jersey or Ilya Kovalchuk. Personally, I think the deal is stupid and bound to create long-term problems for New Jersey. But it's their decision. What worries me is the precedent this sets. For one thing, you cannot prove this contract circumvents the problems raised by the salary cap any more than Vincent Lecavalier's, Pavel Datsyuk's, or anyone else's contract. So if there really is no difference, what's to stop you from stepping in and barring any contract you personally dislike? If you can indeed do that, then no NHL team, or fan, is safe. If Carey Price should blossom into a superstar, can you prevent Montreal from signing him to a long-term deal? The answer, based on your actions, is a definite "yes."
That is why, with all my heart, I urge you, I implore, to step down and let someone with some business sense, some foresight, some amount of brains, to take over as Commissioner of the NHL. Failing that, I promise you this: I will devoutly pray, each and every day, for your demise.
Fuck off.
Let me elaborate:
The sooner you either resign, or die, the better it will be for the NHL, and the sport of hockey.
To further elaborate:
I would like an explanation of why you have summarily rejected the contract that the New jersey Devils and Ilya Kovalchuk recently signed. In no way does the contract contravene any rules of the collective bargaining agreement for which you sacrificed an entire season.
There is no limit on contract length in the CBA.
The CBA has no stipulation limiting the degree to which contracts can be "front-loaded" in order to alleviate the salary cap. New Jersey operated entirely within the limits of the rules of the NHL. It may not have obeyed what you personally think is spirit of the rules, but it obeyed the very letter of the law. You are having a tantrum now, saying the contract circumvents the rules, but that is not New Jersey's problem. It is YOURS. You are paid seven and a quarter million dollars every year to supposedly use your brain and think of eventualities like this. You canceled an entire hockey season to get a salary cap, but didn't think beyond that. And now the rules you insisted on, the rules we fans paid an entire season for, are not good enough?
I couldn't care less about New Jersey or Ilya Kovalchuk. Personally, I think the deal is stupid and bound to create long-term problems for New Jersey. But it's their decision. What worries me is the precedent this sets. For one thing, you cannot prove this contract circumvents the problems raised by the salary cap any more than Vincent Lecavalier's, Pavel Datsyuk's, or anyone else's contract. So if there really is no difference, what's to stop you from stepping in and barring any contract you personally dislike? If you can indeed do that, then no NHL team, or fan, is safe. If Carey Price should blossom into a superstar, can you prevent Montreal from signing him to a long-term deal? The answer, based on your actions, is a definite "yes."
That is why, with all my heart, I urge you, I implore, to step down and let someone with some business sense, some foresight, some amount of brains, to take over as Commissioner of the NHL. Failing that, I promise you this: I will devoutly pray, each and every day, for your demise.
Friday, July 23, 2010
The Rangers Cup
Awarded to the most overrated team in the NHL
And the nominees are:
The San Jose Sharks
Not as bad as in recent years, but still: The Sharks won first overall in the Western conference, but fell in the Conference Finals. The only thing that surprised some people was that they went that far in the playoffs. No amount of success will convince anyone that the Sharks are a good team until they actually get to the Cup finals, a feat they have yet to manage. So they can continue to win regular-season games and President's Trophies, but they will have a permanent spot on this list until they prove they're an equally good playoff team.
The New York Rangers
If only games were won on paper, or based on contract size. The Rangers would have a winner each year. But this is reality, where people like Olli Jokinen, Chris Higgins, Wade Redden, and Chris Drury have to actually produce results. The final game of the season was a microcosm of the Rangers' season: they waited and waited for something to happen, for someone to score a goal, until they finally realized they had lost a game waiting to win it. Like so many previous Rangers teams, they had plenty of potential, but had no idea what the hell to do with it.
The Washington Capitals
Presiden't Trophy winners, a first-round exit. It doesn't matter that they got out-coached, out-played, out-defensed, or out-goalied. None of the reasons they lost excuse the fact that a first-place team could not get past the first round of the playoffs. Perhaps Washington needs to consider the old saying that offense wins games but defense wins championships. Washington has outrageously good offense, but Montreal brought their shortcomings in goal and on defense into sharp relief.
HM: Calgary, Anaheim
And the nominees are:
The San Jose Sharks
Not as bad as in recent years, but still: The Sharks won first overall in the Western conference, but fell in the Conference Finals. The only thing that surprised some people was that they went that far in the playoffs. No amount of success will convince anyone that the Sharks are a good team until they actually get to the Cup finals, a feat they have yet to manage. So they can continue to win regular-season games and President's Trophies, but they will have a permanent spot on this list until they prove they're an equally good playoff team.
The New York Rangers
If only games were won on paper, or based on contract size. The Rangers would have a winner each year. But this is reality, where people like Olli Jokinen, Chris Higgins, Wade Redden, and Chris Drury have to actually produce results. The final game of the season was a microcosm of the Rangers' season: they waited and waited for something to happen, for someone to score a goal, until they finally realized they had lost a game waiting to win it. Like so many previous Rangers teams, they had plenty of potential, but had no idea what the hell to do with it.
The Washington Capitals
Presiden't Trophy winners, a first-round exit. It doesn't matter that they got out-coached, out-played, out-defensed, or out-goalied. None of the reasons they lost excuse the fact that a first-place team could not get past the first round of the playoffs. Perhaps Washington needs to consider the old saying that offense wins games but defense wins championships. Washington has outrageously good offense, but Montreal brought their shortcomings in goal and on defense into sharp relief.
HM: Calgary, Anaheim
Thursday, July 22, 2010
The Alexander Daigle Memorial Trophy
Awarded to the league's most overrated player
And the all-goalie nominees are (perhaps they should get their own category?):
Michael Leighton
The guy performed admirably in the playoffs, filling in for injured Brian Boucher. The Habs could have done well to realize the guy was not all that good, but Montreal has a history of making reasonable Flyers goalies look like the second coming of Bernie Parent. It was the Blackhawks who exposed his weaknesses, helping him to a 3.96 goals against average and a save percentage of 0.87 in the finals.
True to form, the Flyers (always on the lookout for their next mediocre goalie) awarded Leighton a two-year contract worth 3.1 million dollars.
Tim Thomas
Vezina trophy winner last year, backup with a losing record this year. Granted, Tukka Rask only played a couple more regular season games than Thomas this year, but his record was exceedingly better. Also, Thomas did not play a single playoff game this year. Last April, the Bruins locked up the soon-to-be Vezina winner with a four-year contract extension worth 20 million dollars. Thomas could almost qualify as one of the most overpaid players in the league, but he certainly makes the cut as one of the most overrated.
Carey Price
I know at least one reader who will not like this nomination one little bit. But Price simply hasn't earned the title of Franchise Savior that has been (unfairly) forced upon him. And all signs from management point to a mysterious case of the tail wagging the dog. Bob Gainey brought Price straight into NHL action in 2007, after seeing him jump in and dominate the AHL's Calder Cup playoffs. That first season was a decent one, where Price had a 2.56 GAA and .920 save percentage. The real shock came when Gainey traded Cristobal Huet (another overrated goalie), asking the rookie Price to take Montreal all the way through the playoffs just as Ken Dryden and Patrick Roy had done. Time passed, and Price found himself struggling under the weight of the media's and management's expectations, platooning with Jaroslav Halak.
We all know the rest: Halak was largely to thank for Montreal's upsets of President's trophy winner Washington and defending Cup champs Pittsburgh. The Habs promptly traded Halak.
There's more to be said though: Price has shown flashes of brilliance, most notably in the Centennial game where he was fierce and fiery, refusing to allow defeat that night. The deal for Halak makes some weird amount of sense, as a young goalie needs a chance to prove himself without constantly looking over his shoulder. Most perplexing is that the Canadiens seem to become a different team in front of Carey Price. They skate poorly, they don't back-check, they can't pass...basically the team falls apart each and every time Carey Price is in the net. Who knows what causes this, but it has to stop; Montreal now has no one left to fall back upon should Price fail.
Time will tell. The always fickle media have curbed their expectations, but Habs management is shooting the moon with Carey Price. For the moment, it seems like a huge gamble.
HM: Roberto Luongo, Wade Redden, Mike Komisarek
And the all-goalie nominees are (perhaps they should get their own category?):
Michael Leighton
The guy performed admirably in the playoffs, filling in for injured Brian Boucher. The Habs could have done well to realize the guy was not all that good, but Montreal has a history of making reasonable Flyers goalies look like the second coming of Bernie Parent. It was the Blackhawks who exposed his weaknesses, helping him to a 3.96 goals against average and a save percentage of 0.87 in the finals.
True to form, the Flyers (always on the lookout for their next mediocre goalie) awarded Leighton a two-year contract worth 3.1 million dollars.
Tim Thomas
Vezina trophy winner last year, backup with a losing record this year. Granted, Tukka Rask only played a couple more regular season games than Thomas this year, but his record was exceedingly better. Also, Thomas did not play a single playoff game this year. Last April, the Bruins locked up the soon-to-be Vezina winner with a four-year contract extension worth 20 million dollars. Thomas could almost qualify as one of the most overpaid players in the league, but he certainly makes the cut as one of the most overrated.
Carey Price
I know at least one reader who will not like this nomination one little bit. But Price simply hasn't earned the title of Franchise Savior that has been (unfairly) forced upon him. And all signs from management point to a mysterious case of the tail wagging the dog. Bob Gainey brought Price straight into NHL action in 2007, after seeing him jump in and dominate the AHL's Calder Cup playoffs. That first season was a decent one, where Price had a 2.56 GAA and .920 save percentage. The real shock came when Gainey traded Cristobal Huet (another overrated goalie), asking the rookie Price to take Montreal all the way through the playoffs just as Ken Dryden and Patrick Roy had done. Time passed, and Price found himself struggling under the weight of the media's and management's expectations, platooning with Jaroslav Halak.
We all know the rest: Halak was largely to thank for Montreal's upsets of President's trophy winner Washington and defending Cup champs Pittsburgh. The Habs promptly traded Halak.
There's more to be said though: Price has shown flashes of brilliance, most notably in the Centennial game where he was fierce and fiery, refusing to allow defeat that night. The deal for Halak makes some weird amount of sense, as a young goalie needs a chance to prove himself without constantly looking over his shoulder. Most perplexing is that the Canadiens seem to become a different team in front of Carey Price. They skate poorly, they don't back-check, they can't pass...basically the team falls apart each and every time Carey Price is in the net. Who knows what causes this, but it has to stop; Montreal now has no one left to fall back upon should Price fail.
Time will tell. The always fickle media have curbed their expectations, but Habs management is shooting the moon with Carey Price. For the moment, it seems like a huge gamble.
HM: Roberto Luongo, Wade Redden, Mike Komisarek
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
The Alexei Yashin Memorial Trophy
Awarded to the league's most overpaid player
It's ironic that on the day we announce this award, we have so much to cover regarding contracts. The NHL has rejected Ilya Kovalchuk's 17-year deal with the Devils, claiming it circumvents the salary cap.
Let's see if we can simplify this: Teams often sign players to what's called a front-loaded deal. They pay him a lot of money for the first few years of the contract, after which, they pay him smaller and smaller amounts until the end of the deal. This helps the team spread the cost of the entire contract out over a larger amount of time. This also makes the cap hit smaller, as the salary cap takes the AVERAGE salary, not the year-to-year salary, into account.
Daniel Briere is a textbook example. He signed an eight-year, 52-million dollar contract in 2007, but the final year of his contract pays him only 2 million. That makes it easier to trade him should he not work out, and makes the contract longer, thus the average per-year cap hit smaller.
The NHL has rejected the Ilya Kovalchuk deal, as it seems the Devils had no belief that Kovalchuk would still be playing for them 17 years from now, and that the deal was made so long only to artificially lower the cap hit.
Interesting times. More to follow, I'm sure.
And the nominees are:
Vincent Lecavalier
Vinny has a contract that goes until 2020, paying him 10 million dollars each year until the 2016-2017 season. After that, his salary goes down to 8 million, then 4, then 1.5, then 1 million. This basically makes Lecav un-tradeable until 2017, at which time he'll be 37 years old (no spring chicken). So the Lightning are stuck with his enormous contract and a cap hit of 7.727 million each year.
Last year they paid Lecavalier $10,000,000 for his 24 goals. That comes out to a price of $416,667 per goal. Intangiables count for a lot: added to his un-tradability, his "leadership" has caused most of the problems Steve Yzerman has come in to fix.
Chris Drury
The Rangers have a habit of making decent players into the most overpaid people in the league. The Rangers thought they had a pair of aces when they signed Scott Gomez and Drury to obscenely large contracts. No one, except for Glen Sather, was surprised when those high expectations did not meet reality. Chris Drury's contract has a cap hit of 7.05 million dollars each season; last year, he scored 32 (of which only 14 were goals) points, bringing his cost to $220,312 per point. (The per-goal figure is even nastier.)
He'll make 8 million next season, and 5 million in the 2011-2012 season. Habs fans should actually feel like they got a bargain with Gomez.
Rick DiPietro
What is it about the New York metropolitan area that makes teams spend outrageous sums on decent-but-not-outstanding players? On top of Alexei Yashin's buyout and its hit on their cap, the Isles are also paying Rick DiPietro 4.5 million dollars each year until 2021. (And that's not a cap hit, which, as we discussed earlier, is an average of the contract over time). No, the contract calls for 4.5 million dollars each and every year; no end-of-contract reductions, nothing to make him more tradeable should he not work out. The Islanders will pay Rick DiPietro a salary of 4.5 million dollars for the 2020-2021 season (barring a trade or buyout). Last season, DiPietro was good for eight starts, two of which were wins. TWO WINS. That comes out to a cool 2.25 million dollars the Islanders shelled out per win from Rick DiPietro. Compare that to Dwayne Roloson, who got 23 wins last year at a salary of only 2 million, and you can imagine that Garth Snow is already planning to give him a contract that goes until 2057.
HM: Alexei Kovalev, Scott Gomez, Brian Campbell
It's ironic that on the day we announce this award, we have so much to cover regarding contracts. The NHL has rejected Ilya Kovalchuk's 17-year deal with the Devils, claiming it circumvents the salary cap.
Let's see if we can simplify this: Teams often sign players to what's called a front-loaded deal. They pay him a lot of money for the first few years of the contract, after which, they pay him smaller and smaller amounts until the end of the deal. This helps the team spread the cost of the entire contract out over a larger amount of time. This also makes the cap hit smaller, as the salary cap takes the AVERAGE salary, not the year-to-year salary, into account.
Daniel Briere is a textbook example. He signed an eight-year, 52-million dollar contract in 2007, but the final year of his contract pays him only 2 million. That makes it easier to trade him should he not work out, and makes the contract longer, thus the average per-year cap hit smaller.
The NHL has rejected the Ilya Kovalchuk deal, as it seems the Devils had no belief that Kovalchuk would still be playing for them 17 years from now, and that the deal was made so long only to artificially lower the cap hit.
Interesting times. More to follow, I'm sure.
And the nominees are:
Vincent Lecavalier
Vinny has a contract that goes until 2020, paying him 10 million dollars each year until the 2016-2017 season. After that, his salary goes down to 8 million, then 4, then 1.5, then 1 million. This basically makes Lecav un-tradeable until 2017, at which time he'll be 37 years old (no spring chicken). So the Lightning are stuck with his enormous contract and a cap hit of 7.727 million each year.
Last year they paid Lecavalier $10,000,000 for his 24 goals. That comes out to a price of $416,667 per goal. Intangiables count for a lot: added to his un-tradability, his "leadership" has caused most of the problems Steve Yzerman has come in to fix.
Chris Drury
The Rangers have a habit of making decent players into the most overpaid people in the league. The Rangers thought they had a pair of aces when they signed Scott Gomez and Drury to obscenely large contracts. No one, except for Glen Sather, was surprised when those high expectations did not meet reality. Chris Drury's contract has a cap hit of 7.05 million dollars each season; last year, he scored 32 (of which only 14 were goals) points, bringing his cost to $220,312 per point. (The per-goal figure is even nastier.)
He'll make 8 million next season, and 5 million in the 2011-2012 season. Habs fans should actually feel like they got a bargain with Gomez.
Rick DiPietro
What is it about the New York metropolitan area that makes teams spend outrageous sums on decent-but-not-outstanding players? On top of Alexei Yashin's buyout and its hit on their cap, the Isles are also paying Rick DiPietro 4.5 million dollars each year until 2021. (And that's not a cap hit, which, as we discussed earlier, is an average of the contract over time). No, the contract calls for 4.5 million dollars each and every year; no end-of-contract reductions, nothing to make him more tradeable should he not work out. The Islanders will pay Rick DiPietro a salary of 4.5 million dollars for the 2020-2021 season (barring a trade or buyout). Last season, DiPietro was good for eight starts, two of which were wins. TWO WINS. That comes out to a cool 2.25 million dollars the Islanders shelled out per win from Rick DiPietro. Compare that to Dwayne Roloson, who got 23 wins last year at a salary of only 2 million, and you can imagine that Garth Snow is already planning to give him a contract that goes until 2057.
HM: Alexei Kovalev, Scott Gomez, Brian Campbell
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
The Jerry Seinfeld Award
Awarded to the most obnoxious, asshole fans in the league
As a side note, Alexander Mogilny-I mean Ilya Kovalchuk- re-signed in New Jersey.
Now back to the awards.
And the nominees are:
Philadelphia Flyers fans
Montreal Gazette reporter Pat Hickey had his tires slashed while he was in Philadelphia covering the Flyers-Habs series. All because he had Quebec plates. Nice job, Philly fans. Way to bring honor and respect to your city. Of course, that shit-ass town did not have far to fall, as its residents have made a reputation for taking the frustration of living in their putrid, decaying cesspool out on anyone who has the misfortune of passing through. If anyone represents the average Philadelphian, it's Daniel Carcillo. Greasy, obnoxious, ill-mannered, ugly, and stupid, and convinced that these foul qualities make him "colorful."
Carolina Hurricanes fans
Hey Hurricanes fans...didn't your team recently win, ya know, the Stanley Cup, or something? 23rd in the league in average attendance, 23rd in overall total attendance. Hurricanes "fans" are a joke.
And enough...ENOUGH with the Rick Flair WHOO bullshit. Just..stop it. You suck at life.
Montreal Canadiens fans
Um, seriously?
HM: Leafs, Islanders, Devils
As a side note, Alexander Mogilny-I mean Ilya Kovalchuk- re-signed in New Jersey.
Now back to the awards.
And the nominees are:
Philadelphia Flyers fans
Montreal Gazette reporter Pat Hickey had his tires slashed while he was in Philadelphia covering the Flyers-Habs series. All because he had Quebec plates. Nice job, Philly fans. Way to bring honor and respect to your city. Of course, that shit-ass town did not have far to fall, as its residents have made a reputation for taking the frustration of living in their putrid, decaying cesspool out on anyone who has the misfortune of passing through. If anyone represents the average Philadelphian, it's Daniel Carcillo. Greasy, obnoxious, ill-mannered, ugly, and stupid, and convinced that these foul qualities make him "colorful."
Carolina Hurricanes fans
Hey Hurricanes fans...didn't your team recently win, ya know, the Stanley Cup, or something? 23rd in the league in average attendance, 23rd in overall total attendance. Hurricanes "fans" are a joke.
And enough...ENOUGH with the Rick Flair WHOO bullshit. Just..stop it. You suck at life.
Montreal Canadiens fans
Um, seriously?
HM: Leafs, Islanders, Devils
Monday, July 19, 2010
The Barry Melrose Award
Awarded to the league's most obnoxious douchebag broadcaster
And the nominees are:
Rick Jeaneret
Every time the Sabres have a scoring opportunity, I mute the TV. When I have the NHL network on, I keep the remote handy in case they show the station promo with Derek Roy and Jeanneret's obnoxious VO, ready to pounce, once again, on that mute button. Every time I hear his labored, ridiculous scream, I hope he has a heart attack and dies, right on the air.
Jack Edwards
A guy who knows nothing about hockey, given his total lack of knowledge concerning the actual rules or terms of the game. Listening to the Moby Dick audiobook with the TV muted gives you more insight into what's happening on the ice than listening to Edwards.
Jeremy Roenick
There are moments that can define one's life, good and bad. Jeremy had just such a moment when the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup, creating what was probably the most awkward moment ever seen during a hockey broadcast. I for one, do not buy his crocodile tears for a second. Jeremy may have come up with Chicago, but he was just as much a Flyer as he was a Blackhawk, and his attempt to steal the spotlight was deplorable. Jeremy, it's not about you; it's about the players on the ice.
Mike Milbury should be glad Jeremy had that moment; otherwise, he'd be on this list.
I hesitate to even mention his name, but Pierre McGuire also deserves an Honorable Mention.
And the nominees are:
Rick Jeaneret
Every time the Sabres have a scoring opportunity, I mute the TV. When I have the NHL network on, I keep the remote handy in case they show the station promo with Derek Roy and Jeanneret's obnoxious VO, ready to pounce, once again, on that mute button. Every time I hear his labored, ridiculous scream, I hope he has a heart attack and dies, right on the air.
Jack Edwards
A guy who knows nothing about hockey, given his total lack of knowledge concerning the actual rules or terms of the game. Listening to the Moby Dick audiobook with the TV muted gives you more insight into what's happening on the ice than listening to Edwards.
Jeremy Roenick
There are moments that can define one's life, good and bad. Jeremy had just such a moment when the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup, creating what was probably the most awkward moment ever seen during a hockey broadcast. I for one, do not buy his crocodile tears for a second. Jeremy may have come up with Chicago, but he was just as much a Flyer as he was a Blackhawk, and his attempt to steal the spotlight was deplorable. Jeremy, it's not about you; it's about the players on the ice.
Mike Milbury should be glad Jeremy had that moment; otherwise, he'd be on this list.
I hesitate to even mention his name, but Pierre McGuire also deserves an Honorable Mention.
The Mario Tremblay Memorial Trophy
Awarded to the league's worst coach
And the nominees are:
John Stevens, Flyers
Fired at the beginning of the season, team went on to the Stanley Cup Finals. In all fairness, the Flyers had a 13-11-1 record this season when he was fired.
John Tortorella, Rangers
Completely unable to motivate his team to score, or for that matter, to win.
Ron Wilson, Maple Leafs
It's not that the Leafs sucked (they did), but the fact that everyone, Ron Wilson included, were very vocal in expressing just how great they thought this team was. Nobody outside of Toronto was surprised that the Leafs fell short of their own ridiculous expectations, but Ron Wilson gets the dummy prize for his team's own arrogance.
And the nominees are:
John Stevens, Flyers
Fired at the beginning of the season, team went on to the Stanley Cup Finals. In all fairness, the Flyers had a 13-11-1 record this season when he was fired.
John Tortorella, Rangers
Completely unable to motivate his team to score, or for that matter, to win.
Ron Wilson, Maple Leafs
It's not that the Leafs sucked (they did), but the fact that everyone, Ron Wilson included, were very vocal in expressing just how great they thought this team was. Nobody outside of Toronto was surprised that the Leafs fell short of their own ridiculous expectations, but Ron Wilson gets the dummy prize for his team's own arrogance.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
The Gary Bettman Trophy
Awarded for the league's worst management
And the nominees are:
The New York Islanders
Let's see, where do we start...how about in goal?
If The New York Rangers are where great players go to die, the Islanders are where mediocre goalies go. Garth Snow as GM. Mike Dunham as goalie coach. DiPietro, Roloson, and Biron in net last year.
As Captain Sparrow pointed out, the Islanders raised some eyebrows when they entered the season with THREE goalies, each with starter credentials. But who could blame them? They had Rick DiPietro signed until the end of time, and they knew as soon as a puck touched him he would be on the IR for the rest of the season. So this year the Islanders spent 4.5 million dollars for 8 games, and two wins from DiPietro. That comes to $562,500 per game. DiPietro's contract will haunt the Islanders for years to come, virtually assuring their place on this list for a long time.
The Tampa Bay Lightning
When you think "God-awful management", Tampa Bay should be one of the first things that comes to mind. Tampa's problems begin, and end, with Vincent Lecavalier. His contract makes him unmovable, and impossible to afford good teammates. He has had coaches fired, and is a cancer in the team's locker room.
Look for things to change in the upcoming year, though.
The Lightning have a new owner, who has fired the old figurehead GM Brian Lawton, as well as Vinny's personally endorsed coach Rick Tocchet. With Steve Yzerman as the new GM, look for a return to competitiveness. Perhaps we'll even see a few sparks once Lecavalier realizes he cannot bully Yzerman. My money's on a trade next year, and I fully expect Tampa to be gone from this list next summer.
The thing that put the lightning over the top for a nomination this year was their fugly, nonsensical third jersey.
The NHL
Gary Bettman, you make it too easy. In an award normally reserved for team ownership and management, you still somehow found your way onto this list.
How did he accomplish that? By owning a team, of course. You see, the NHL OWNS the Phoenix Coyotes. They divert resources to keep the franchise alive, even when all the evidence screams that the team must move. They intervened to stop a lucrative sale that would have stopped the bleeding for the franchise, brought a team to an enthusiastic market, and ended the millions of dollars being paid in corporate welfare by the fans and owners of legitimate teams. Now the NHL is stuck with a team that they still cannot sell. Of course, they could sell it very easily, but the NHL insists that any buyer MUST keep the team in Phoenix. So, no deal.
We've already covered how the NHL is actively engaged in a conflict of interest, that they cannot advance the best interests of their own team while simultaneously treating the rest of the league impartially.
And how much money does Gary Bettman earn for this unethical behavior? $7,230,783 per year. That's 7 MILLION dollars, in case you weren't counting the commas.
Source: http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/puck_daddy/post/Gary-Bettman-makes-7-2-million-more-than-you-th?urn=nhl,255500
There's plenty more ammunition in this gun for why the the NHL deserves its very own award for bad management: horrendous FIFA-like officiating, absurd disciplinary decisions, atrocious apparel and uniform decisions, ridiculous TV deals, and more I'm sure I'm forgetting. But the bad management of a failing franchise is already enough to qualify Gary and the League for the award.
HM: Atlanta Thrashers, Calgary Flames
And the nominees are:
The New York Islanders
Let's see, where do we start...how about in goal?
If The New York Rangers are where great players go to die, the Islanders are where mediocre goalies go. Garth Snow as GM. Mike Dunham as goalie coach. DiPietro, Roloson, and Biron in net last year.
As Captain Sparrow pointed out, the Islanders raised some eyebrows when they entered the season with THREE goalies, each with starter credentials. But who could blame them? They had Rick DiPietro signed until the end of time, and they knew as soon as a puck touched him he would be on the IR for the rest of the season. So this year the Islanders spent 4.5 million dollars for 8 games, and two wins from DiPietro. That comes to $562,500 per game. DiPietro's contract will haunt the Islanders for years to come, virtually assuring their place on this list for a long time.
The Tampa Bay Lightning
When you think "God-awful management", Tampa Bay should be one of the first things that comes to mind. Tampa's problems begin, and end, with Vincent Lecavalier. His contract makes him unmovable, and impossible to afford good teammates. He has had coaches fired, and is a cancer in the team's locker room.
Look for things to change in the upcoming year, though.
The Lightning have a new owner, who has fired the old figurehead GM Brian Lawton, as well as Vinny's personally endorsed coach Rick Tocchet. With Steve Yzerman as the new GM, look for a return to competitiveness. Perhaps we'll even see a few sparks once Lecavalier realizes he cannot bully Yzerman. My money's on a trade next year, and I fully expect Tampa to be gone from this list next summer.
The thing that put the lightning over the top for a nomination this year was their fugly, nonsensical third jersey.
The NHL
Gary Bettman, you make it too easy. In an award normally reserved for team ownership and management, you still somehow found your way onto this list.
How did he accomplish that? By owning a team, of course. You see, the NHL OWNS the Phoenix Coyotes. They divert resources to keep the franchise alive, even when all the evidence screams that the team must move. They intervened to stop a lucrative sale that would have stopped the bleeding for the franchise, brought a team to an enthusiastic market, and ended the millions of dollars being paid in corporate welfare by the fans and owners of legitimate teams. Now the NHL is stuck with a team that they still cannot sell. Of course, they could sell it very easily, but the NHL insists that any buyer MUST keep the team in Phoenix. So, no deal.
We've already covered how the NHL is actively engaged in a conflict of interest, that they cannot advance the best interests of their own team while simultaneously treating the rest of the league impartially.
And how much money does Gary Bettman earn for this unethical behavior? $7,230,783 per year. That's 7 MILLION dollars, in case you weren't counting the commas.
Source: http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/puck_daddy/post/Gary-Bettman-makes-7-2-million-more-than-you-th?urn=nhl,255500
There's plenty more ammunition in this gun for why the the NHL deserves its very own award for bad management: horrendous FIFA-like officiating, absurd disciplinary decisions, atrocious apparel and uniform decisions, ridiculous TV deals, and more I'm sure I'm forgetting. But the bad management of a failing franchise is already enough to qualify Gary and the League for the award.
HM: Atlanta Thrashers, Calgary Flames
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
The Gorton's Fisherman Memorial Trophy
Awarded for the league's worst uniform
Special thanks to www.nhluniforms.com for their outstanding database
Before we announce the nominees, let us reflect on the namesake of this award, and give due deference to arguably the most ridiculous jersey design the world has ever seen:
Ahem.
And the nominees are:
The Atlanta Thrashers Third Jersey
It's not just the sweater; it's the whole package. What are Atlanta's colors? Wikipedia lists them as Navy blue, Baby blue, Maroon, Burnt umber, Yellow, and White. The Red Wings colors are friggin red and white. ONE color aside from the obligatory away white. Atlanta seems to have an identity crisis. They used to have Navy Blue jerseys. Simple. Then they went to the light blue. Now they've introduced this maroon that used to be a trim color. Atlanta is a prime example that you really can overdo it when designing a team uniform. Their third jersey is just the latest in a long line of garish designs that flat-out suck.
For added ugliness, check out the socks that come with this POS.
The Toronto Maple Leafs Home Jersey
Who can resist getting their digs in on the supposedly richest team in the NHL when they can't even seem to spend money on brains?
If the Thrashers use too many colors, the Leafs use too little. Not too few, but too little. When the Leafs unveiled their new Reebok jerseys, everyone else seemed to notice what Leafs management overlooked: stripes. Basically, the Leafs were playing in practice jerseys.
The obvious question: who the hell forgot the stripes, and why is he still employed at MLSE?
Which is the game jersey?
The New York Islanders Away Jersey
Nassau Coliseum may be falling apart, but that hasn't stopped the circus from coming to town. What list of bad jerseys would be complete without the Islanders, who have made messing with a good thing into an art form. Perhaps it's the fact that it's too similar to the ill-conceived vest jerseys that some baseball teams wear. Maybe it's the fact that Rick DiPietro is wearing it, adding to the clown/circus vibe. Perhaps it's the ridiculous piping on the shoulders, an idea that, unfortunately, has been adopted by other NHL teams. Maybe it's the numbers on the right chest, an area normally reserved for Stanley Cup Finals patches (then again, there's no need for the Islanders to worry about that for the foreseeable future). It's the combination of all these factors that make the Islanders an inevitable addition to this list of nominees.
HM: LA Kings third jersey, Colorado Avalanche third jersey, Tampa Bay Lightning third jersey
With all that said, we also need to recognize some of the best jerseys in the league, if no other reason than to cheer us up after seeing those pieces of trash we just looked at.
Special thanks to www.nhluniforms.com for their outstanding database
Before we announce the nominees, let us reflect on the namesake of this award, and give due deference to arguably the most ridiculous jersey design the world has ever seen:
Ahem.
And the nominees are:
The Atlanta Thrashers Third Jersey
It's not just the sweater; it's the whole package. What are Atlanta's colors? Wikipedia lists them as Navy blue, Baby blue, Maroon, Burnt umber, Yellow, and White. The Red Wings colors are friggin red and white. ONE color aside from the obligatory away white. Atlanta seems to have an identity crisis. They used to have Navy Blue jerseys. Simple. Then they went to the light blue. Now they've introduced this maroon that used to be a trim color. Atlanta is a prime example that you really can overdo it when designing a team uniform. Their third jersey is just the latest in a long line of garish designs that flat-out suck.
For added ugliness, check out the socks that come with this POS.
The Toronto Maple Leafs Home Jersey
Who can resist getting their digs in on the supposedly richest team in the NHL when they can't even seem to spend money on brains?
If the Thrashers use too many colors, the Leafs use too little. Not too few, but too little. When the Leafs unveiled their new Reebok jerseys, everyone else seemed to notice what Leafs management overlooked: stripes. Basically, the Leafs were playing in practice jerseys.
The obvious question: who the hell forgot the stripes, and why is he still employed at MLSE?
Which is the game jersey?
The New York Islanders Away Jersey
Nassau Coliseum may be falling apart, but that hasn't stopped the circus from coming to town. What list of bad jerseys would be complete without the Islanders, who have made messing with a good thing into an art form. Perhaps it's the fact that it's too similar to the ill-conceived vest jerseys that some baseball teams wear. Maybe it's the fact that Rick DiPietro is wearing it, adding to the clown/circus vibe. Perhaps it's the ridiculous piping on the shoulders, an idea that, unfortunately, has been adopted by other NHL teams. Maybe it's the numbers on the right chest, an area normally reserved for Stanley Cup Finals patches (then again, there's no need for the Islanders to worry about that for the foreseeable future). It's the combination of all these factors that make the Islanders an inevitable addition to this list of nominees.
HM: LA Kings third jersey, Colorado Avalanche third jersey, Tampa Bay Lightning third jersey
With all that said, we also need to recognize some of the best jerseys in the league, if no other reason than to cheer us up after seeing those pieces of trash we just looked at.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
The Claude Lemieux Trophy
Awarded to the league's biggest pansy for acts of cowardice and gutlessness
And the nominees are:
Daniel Carcillo
Beating up on non-fighters, grandstanding after fights, running his mouth non-stop...all qualify him as one of the league's premiere bitches. Someone needs to step in and remind him and the rest of the Flyers organization that cheap and dirty is NOT the same thing as tough. And for God's sake, shave off that shit-stain on your upper lip, Dan.
You know it's bad when you make people cheer for Sean Avery:
Chris Pronger
Chris, you're a bitch. Has anyone ever seen someone this large act like such a small child? Chris Pronger is a classic example of someone who can dish it out but can't take it. Sure, he can play tough and mean, but when it comes to dealing with others giving him the same treatment, suddenly he looks more like Sidney Crosby than a 6'6" 220 lb defenseman.
Matt Cooke
The frontrunner for the Trophy. A cheap, dirty, and criminal act that has no place in hockey. Luckily for us, the story has another chapter:
Notice how Cooke declines to remove his visor. More evidence that he is a gutless turd.
HM: Arron Asham, Jeff Carter, Braydon Coburn, Riley Cote, Scott Hartnell, Ian Laperrierre, Mike Richards, Daniel Briere
And the nominees are:
Daniel Carcillo
Beating up on non-fighters, grandstanding after fights, running his mouth non-stop...all qualify him as one of the league's premiere bitches. Someone needs to step in and remind him and the rest of the Flyers organization that cheap and dirty is NOT the same thing as tough. And for God's sake, shave off that shit-stain on your upper lip, Dan.
You know it's bad when you make people cheer for Sean Avery:
Chris Pronger
Chris, you're a bitch. Has anyone ever seen someone this large act like such a small child? Chris Pronger is a classic example of someone who can dish it out but can't take it. Sure, he can play tough and mean, but when it comes to dealing with others giving him the same treatment, suddenly he looks more like Sidney Crosby than a 6'6" 220 lb defenseman.
Matt Cooke
The frontrunner for the Trophy. A cheap, dirty, and criminal act that has no place in hockey. Luckily for us, the story has another chapter:
Notice how Cooke declines to remove his visor. More evidence that he is a gutless turd.
HM: Arron Asham, Jeff Carter, Braydon Coburn, Riley Cote, Scott Hartnell, Ian Laperrierre, Mike Richards, Daniel Briere
Monday, July 12, 2010
The Coyote Cup
Awarded to the team that has no business being in its current location
And the nominees are:
The Phoenix Coyotes
Let's be crystal clear about this: hockey doesn't belong in the desert. Never has, never will. For all the talk about Phoenix icing a competitive, playoff-bound team this season, the attendance numbers were still awful.
Phoenix finished the season with 107 points--fourth best in the league--and still wound up in the very bottom of attendance figures. They had 491,558 (source: ESPN) total attendance for the season, (dead last; the next-highest was the New York Islanders with 522,168), with an average attendance of just 68.5 percent of their total capacity. This is simply ridiculous. The Capitals, Sharks, and Blackhawks, who finished ahead of Phoenix in points, each had at least 100% average attendance. The Vancouver Canucks, who finished just behind the Coyotes in points, had 102.1% average attendance.
Gary Bettman's favorite justification for ignoring deplorable attendance figures is that if the team finally becomes competitive, the fans will start coming.
That theory falls flat on its face given the facts above.
Even if we accept that Phoenix may not get fans to come to the games until they actually win the Stanley Cup, look no further than Tampa Bay and Carolina to see that the effect does not last.
Both teams have won the Cup in the past decade, yet both have miserable figures: neither can fill much more than 80% of their stadium on any given night. Compare that to the teams that lost the Cup to those two: The Flames and the Oilers, neither of which has been terribly succesful recently, still filled 100% of their respective capacities last season.
Let's talk "Conflict of Interest": it happens when someone is involved in two things that happen to compete with each other. The NHL runs a league of 30 teams. It has to balance the interests of each and every team, with fairness and equality being the goal.
The NHL also owns one of those 30 teams. The NHL has a vested interest in seeing the team they own become successful, at the expense of the other 29 teams in the league. Every owner of every NHL team seeks to make his team more competitive than the rest. In fact, every owner has the DUTY to try to make his team as powerful as possible, and to do so at the expense of the rest of the league (insofar as the league rules and the law will allow).
The NHL and Gary Bettman have a big conflict of interest. How are they supposed to operate the league fairly when they own one of the teams, and are obligated to do everything in their power to see that the Coyotes are MORE competitive than the rest of the league?
Bettman claims this is just a stop-gap measure until someone else buys the team. But that's the problem: no one wants to buy this franchise (not to keep it in Phoenix, at least).
Hockey has not caught on the desert, and even if the Coyotes manage to win the Cup, they will be in the bottom of attendance numbers within three years. They are a cancer on the NHL: Every time a Leafs, Bruins, or Habs fan buys a sweater or a hat, that money is going to NHL Welfare to keep a sick, unsustainable franchise alive. It's time to end the suffering of the entire NHL and put down this sick desert dog.
The New York Islanders
Ahh, the Islanders. I have a feeling they are going to make quite a few appearances in the coming nominations these next two weeks. Perhaps it would be best to present the evidence of bad management and players first, but let's charge ahead.
Going back the last five years, the Islanders have finished 5th, 5th, 5th, 4th, and 4th (out of five) in their division. Their last playoff appearance was in 2007, where they won one game.
OK, so they stink. So do the Leafs; does that mean they should move? Not necessarily.
But let's look deeper:
78.1% attendance last year (27th out of 30 in that regard). Total attendance was next-to-last at 522,168 (right ahead of Phoenix).
Their coliseum is a joke. Readers may also be interested to know that only reason the NHL created the Islanders was to create a bulwark to keep the World Hockey Association out of Nassau. The WHA is dead, so the NHL may need to reevaluate just why they need that team now. But even with that aside, the coliseum is an embarrassment. At 38 years old, it is the smallest and second-oldest building in the NHL (behind Madison Square Garden). To be blunt, the building is falling apart.
Charles Wang and the Islanders ownership have proposed a ballpark, a lighthouse(!), affordable housing units, and a hotel all as part of an ambitious renovation project. They have had to scale back all of these plans, and numerous delays have pushed construction back year after year.
And yet, despite a miserable building and a horrendous team, ticket prices in Hempstead are in the top half of the league, at an average price of $48.84. (Source: http://www.fromtherink.com/2009/3/24/809176/keeping-tabs-on-2009-10-ti)
Charles Wang has threatened that if he cannot get the renovations under way soon, he may move the team. I say: Start packing.
The Atlanta Thrashers
Rounding out our nominations is a team that combines the worst of both worlds: an apathetic market with a mediocre team.
The Thrashers sit 28th in total attendance, and next-to-last in percentage of total capacity (73.4).
Even marquee player Ilya Kovalchuk couldn't draw fans to the games.
Always one to repeat the same mistake twice, Gary Bettman must have looked at the New York Islanders as a model franchise. He saw the team was founded in 1972, and must have also noticed that the Atlanta Flames came into existence the same year. The NHL birthed the Flames because they needed a second team to balance the schedule with the newly created Islanders, and also because the St. Louis Hawks had just moved to Atlanta and built a shiny new arena. "Well heck," said Gary Bettman: "we need a team to balance the league since we just created the Nashville Predators, and we've got a building to put 'em in, who could ask for anything more?" (Market research doesn't seem to be one of Bettman's strong suits; nor is the study of history).
And thus was born the Atlanta Failure, mark II.
Oh, and did I mention just how bad their ownership is? Lawsuits galore, infighting, and bickering over management have been the norm ever since the team was born.
To round things off, the Thrashers have made the playoffs once in their ten years of existence. They failed to win a single game.
HM:
Tampa Bay and Carolina
And the nominees are:
The Phoenix Coyotes
Let's be crystal clear about this: hockey doesn't belong in the desert. Never has, never will. For all the talk about Phoenix icing a competitive, playoff-bound team this season, the attendance numbers were still awful.Phoenix finished the season with 107 points--fourth best in the league--and still wound up in the very bottom of attendance figures. They had 491,558 (source: ESPN) total attendance for the season, (dead last; the next-highest was the New York Islanders with 522,168), with an average attendance of just 68.5 percent of their total capacity. This is simply ridiculous. The Capitals, Sharks, and Blackhawks, who finished ahead of Phoenix in points, each had at least 100% average attendance. The Vancouver Canucks, who finished just behind the Coyotes in points, had 102.1% average attendance.
Gary Bettman's favorite justification for ignoring deplorable attendance figures is that if the team finally becomes competitive, the fans will start coming.
That theory falls flat on its face given the facts above.
Even if we accept that Phoenix may not get fans to come to the games until they actually win the Stanley Cup, look no further than Tampa Bay and Carolina to see that the effect does not last.
Both teams have won the Cup in the past decade, yet both have miserable figures: neither can fill much more than 80% of their stadium on any given night. Compare that to the teams that lost the Cup to those two: The Flames and the Oilers, neither of which has been terribly succesful recently, still filled 100% of their respective capacities last season.
Let's talk "Conflict of Interest": it happens when someone is involved in two things that happen to compete with each other. The NHL runs a league of 30 teams. It has to balance the interests of each and every team, with fairness and equality being the goal.
The NHL also owns one of those 30 teams. The NHL has a vested interest in seeing the team they own become successful, at the expense of the other 29 teams in the league. Every owner of every NHL team seeks to make his team more competitive than the rest. In fact, every owner has the DUTY to try to make his team as powerful as possible, and to do so at the expense of the rest of the league (insofar as the league rules and the law will allow).
The NHL and Gary Bettman have a big conflict of interest. How are they supposed to operate the league fairly when they own one of the teams, and are obligated to do everything in their power to see that the Coyotes are MORE competitive than the rest of the league?
Bettman claims this is just a stop-gap measure until someone else buys the team. But that's the problem: no one wants to buy this franchise (not to keep it in Phoenix, at least).
Hockey has not caught on the desert, and even if the Coyotes manage to win the Cup, they will be in the bottom of attendance numbers within three years. They are a cancer on the NHL: Every time a Leafs, Bruins, or Habs fan buys a sweater or a hat, that money is going to NHL Welfare to keep a sick, unsustainable franchise alive. It's time to end the suffering of the entire NHL and put down this sick desert dog.
The New York Islanders
Ahh, the Islanders. I have a feeling they are going to make quite a few appearances in the coming nominations these next two weeks. Perhaps it would be best to present the evidence of bad management and players first, but let's charge ahead.Going back the last five years, the Islanders have finished 5th, 5th, 5th, 4th, and 4th (out of five) in their division. Their last playoff appearance was in 2007, where they won one game.
OK, so they stink. So do the Leafs; does that mean they should move? Not necessarily.
But let's look deeper:
78.1% attendance last year (27th out of 30 in that regard). Total attendance was next-to-last at 522,168 (right ahead of Phoenix).
Their coliseum is a joke. Readers may also be interested to know that only reason the NHL created the Islanders was to create a bulwark to keep the World Hockey Association out of Nassau. The WHA is dead, so the NHL may need to reevaluate just why they need that team now. But even with that aside, the coliseum is an embarrassment. At 38 years old, it is the smallest and second-oldest building in the NHL (behind Madison Square Garden). To be blunt, the building is falling apart.
Charles Wang and the Islanders ownership have proposed a ballpark, a lighthouse(!), affordable housing units, and a hotel all as part of an ambitious renovation project. They have had to scale back all of these plans, and numerous delays have pushed construction back year after year.
And yet, despite a miserable building and a horrendous team, ticket prices in Hempstead are in the top half of the league, at an average price of $48.84. (Source: http://www.fromtherink.com/2009/3/24/809176/keeping-tabs-on-2009-10-ti)
Charles Wang has threatened that if he cannot get the renovations under way soon, he may move the team. I say: Start packing.
The Atlanta Thrashers
Rounding out our nominations is a team that combines the worst of both worlds: an apathetic market with a mediocre team.The Thrashers sit 28th in total attendance, and next-to-last in percentage of total capacity (73.4).
Even marquee player Ilya Kovalchuk couldn't draw fans to the games.
Always one to repeat the same mistake twice, Gary Bettman must have looked at the New York Islanders as a model franchise. He saw the team was founded in 1972, and must have also noticed that the Atlanta Flames came into existence the same year. The NHL birthed the Flames because they needed a second team to balance the schedule with the newly created Islanders, and also because the St. Louis Hawks had just moved to Atlanta and built a shiny new arena. "Well heck," said Gary Bettman: "we need a team to balance the league since we just created the Nashville Predators, and we've got a building to put 'em in, who could ask for anything more?" (Market research doesn't seem to be one of Bettman's strong suits; nor is the study of history).
And thus was born the Atlanta Failure, mark II.
Oh, and did I mention just how bad their ownership is? Lawsuits galore, infighting, and bickering over management have been the norm ever since the team was born.
To round things off, the Thrashers have made the playoffs once in their ten years of existence. They failed to win a single game.
HM:
Tampa Bay and Carolina
Friday, July 9, 2010
The second annual Kovy Awards!
I was trying to wait until after Ilya Kovalchuk's hour-long special to announce where he was signing, but it seems he's taking his sweet damn time.
So to relieve the boredom, I am pleased to present the second annual Kovy awards, where we get to harp on some of the more dubious achievements of the past year.
The awards are as follows:
The Rangers Memorial Cup
awarded to the league's most overrated team
The Alexandre Daigle Memorial Trophy:
The Gorton's Fisherman Memorial Trophy:
awarded for the league's worst uniform
The Claude Lemieux Trophy:
awarded to the league's biggest pansy for acts of cowardice and gutlessness
The Coyote Cup
Awarded to the team that has no business being in its current location
Submit YOUR nominations in the comments section! Award nominees will be announced starting next week. Winners will be announced some time thereafter.
So to relieve the boredom, I am pleased to present the second annual Kovy awards, where we get to harp on some of the more dubious achievements of the past year.
The awards are as follows:
The Rangers Memorial Cup
awarded to the league's most overrated team
The Alexandre Daigle Memorial Trophy:
awarded to the league's most overrated player
(Not to be confused with the most overPAID player)
The Alexei Yashin Memorial Trophy:
awarded to the league's most overpaid player
The Jerry Seinfeld Award:
awarded to the league's most overpaid player
The Jerry Seinfeld Award:
awarded to the most obnoxious, asshole fans in the league
The Barry Melrose Award:
awarded to the league's most obnoxious douchebag broadcaster
The Mario Tremblay Memorial Trophy:
awarded to the league's worst coach
The Gary Bettman Trophy:The Barry Melrose Award:
awarded to the league's most obnoxious douchebag broadcaster
The Mario Tremblay Memorial Trophy:
awarded to the league's worst coach
awarded for the league's worst management
The Gorton's Fisherman Memorial Trophy:
awarded for the league's worst uniform
The Claude Lemieux Trophy:
awarded to the league's biggest pansy for acts of cowardice and gutlessness
The Coyote Cup
Awarded to the team that has no business being in its current location
Submit YOUR nominations in the comments section! Award nominees will be announced starting next week. Winners will be announced some time thereafter.
Friday, July 2, 2010
No Koivu for you!
Yesterday was looking like a good day. No big signings, but no bad ones either. I like getting Auld: he can back up Price, not get in the way, and may even get a win here and there. We kept Boyd, and got rid of Kostitsyn.
And then the news came that Saku Koivu had already signed on for two more years with the Ducks, while almost simultaneously, we found out Scott Gomez was pouring salt into the wound: He will wear #11 next season.
Let me make sure I am crystal clear on this:
The Habs traded for Scott Gomez, his 7.357 million dollar contract, and his complete postseason uselessness, casting aside Saku Koivu's 2.5 million dollar price tag, his leadership, and his production, for an equally productive player at three times the cost.
Let's talk stats:
Saku Koivu had 19 G, 33 A, and was a plus 14 last year with the Ducks; the previous year with the Habs he had 16 G, 34 A, and was a +4.
Meanwhile,
Scott Gomez had 12 G, 47 A, and was a +1 last year with Montreal.
So basically Scott Gomez has similar stats and less leadership, at three times the price compared to Saku Koivu. And he has the temerity to wear the number of the recently departed captain? (A captain, by the way, who has yet to be replaced.)
While the sting of Koivu's departure still resounds with the emptiness of the Captaincy, Scott Gomez has taken on his number. This brings into stark relief the fact that Gomez essentially replaced Koivu, and that it was a bad, bad move.
A lot has been made about Montreal just doesn't have a lot of money to throw around during free agency. Perhaps Montreal could do with that extra five million they're spending for NOTHING on Gomez.
Count me among the official detractors of Scott Gomez. Until he starts having 80-point seasons, he is a waste of money. For the time being, I will continue to say: To hell with Gomez, and the people who brought him to Montreal.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Free Agency special report!
Breaking News:
The Toronto Maple Leafs have signed yet another douchebag, giving them a near-monopoly on prickish assholes in the NHL. Colby Armstrong is the latest giraffe-turd brain to join the team of bitch-asses.
When asked to comment, GM Brian Burke said, "That's just how we roll. I'm a card-carrying fuck-knuckle prick, so naturally I'm inclined to sign players of equal ass-baggery. We fully believe Colby will be a valuable addition to our squadron of flying fuck-tards."
Armstrong is only the latest in a long line of jackalope-asses who will have had the honor of wearing the fabled Blue and White that so many whore-biscuits have worn before. Previous legendary prick-faces included Jason Blake, Darcy Tucker, Michael Peca, and Ed Belfour.
"We haven't had what it takes to be world-class champion assholes," said Brian Burke. "We missed out on Matthew Barnaby and Sean Avery. This move is the first step to our return to the top of the league of galactic douchemonkeys."
Burke gave no hint as to whether he plans on eventually signing Maxim Lapierre.
The Toronto Maple Leafs have signed yet another douchebag, giving them a near-monopoly on prickish assholes in the NHL. Colby Armstrong is the latest giraffe-turd brain to join the team of bitch-asses.
When asked to comment, GM Brian Burke said, "That's just how we roll. I'm a card-carrying fuck-knuckle prick, so naturally I'm inclined to sign players of equal ass-baggery. We fully believe Colby will be a valuable addition to our squadron of flying fuck-tards."
Armstrong is only the latest in a long line of jackalope-asses who will have had the honor of wearing the fabled Blue and White that so many whore-biscuits have worn before. Previous legendary prick-faces included Jason Blake, Darcy Tucker, Michael Peca, and Ed Belfour.
"We haven't had what it takes to be world-class champion assholes," said Brian Burke. "We missed out on Matthew Barnaby and Sean Avery. This move is the first step to our return to the top of the league of galactic douchemonkeys."
Burke gave no hint as to whether he plans on eventually signing Maxim Lapierre.
Hooray for Russia!
I was expecting Four Habs Fans to pick up this story, but since they haven't, I view it as my duty as a Russian descendant to point out just how hot this recently busted Russian spy is.
Qualifications:
Russian accent: check!
Red hair (I don't care if it's fake): check!
Smoking hot: check!
Count me enthralled.
Oh, to my wonderful, wonderful BoK, I love you, and would still choose you over treason.
Qualifications:
Russian accent: check!
Red hair (I don't care if it's fake): check!
Smoking hot: check!
Count me enthralled.
Oh, to my wonderful, wonderful BoK, I love you, and would still choose you over treason.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Out with the old...
Sergei is gone, so is the old format.
I saw that blogger now offers several shades of one new design, and I thought I'd give it a try. Still working out some of the kinks, and I'm not happy about how links and posts are considered the same thing and have to use the same color, but I think it's an improvement.
After being away for arthroscopic surgery, I'm on the mend and will definitely be game-ready by the preseason. But that surgery wasn't on my hands, so let's get typing. As you know, Christmas is coming tomorrow, and Santa has a big lump o' coal with our names on it. Last year we got what many would call a mixed bag. Coal came in the form of having our hearts torn out by the departure of Kovalev and Koivu, and a big fat trade for the big fat salary of Scott Gomez (which, incidentally, increases the odds that Santa has jack shit in his bag for us this year). On the other hand, we got these two guys named Mike Cammalleri and Brian Gionta who were kind of a big deal this last spring.
But, to paraphrase that Scientologist minx Katie Holmes, the best part about Christmas is the surprises. You think you've got the wrapped present pegged, and turns out to be something completely unexpected. That was the case with the Gomez trade, where the cardboard box turned out to be a whole lot more fun than the actual toy.
I guess I need to mention the Bruins (new laptop, same old problems capitalizing that word), and I hear they've been up to a few things, including shopping Marc Savard.
Lemme see if I got this straight: Recchi's on for another year, they got Seguin, Horton, and Campbell, Boychuk re-upped, they got rid of Wideman and Sobotka, and are hoping to cut Timmy Thomas loose.
According to Si, the Bruins have very little cap space to play with, so we'll have to see what Santa has planned for Boston fans. Incidentally, I do feel bad for all the Celtics fans: I really wish they had pulled out the game 7 win. I can't stand to see that rapist happy.
So on this, Christmas eve, let me know what you think of the redesign and your predictions for Free Agency. The big question: Who will get Kovalchuk? I can totally see him in a Rangers uniform.
I saw that blogger now offers several shades of one new design, and I thought I'd give it a try. Still working out some of the kinks, and I'm not happy about how links and posts are considered the same thing and have to use the same color, but I think it's an improvement.
After being away for arthroscopic surgery, I'm on the mend and will definitely be game-ready by the preseason. But that surgery wasn't on my hands, so let's get typing. As you know, Christmas is coming tomorrow, and Santa has a big lump o' coal with our names on it. Last year we got what many would call a mixed bag. Coal came in the form of having our hearts torn out by the departure of Kovalev and Koivu, and a big fat trade for the big fat salary of Scott Gomez (which, incidentally, increases the odds that Santa has jack shit in his bag for us this year). On the other hand, we got these two guys named Mike Cammalleri and Brian Gionta who were kind of a big deal this last spring.
But, to paraphrase that Scientologist minx Katie Holmes, the best part about Christmas is the surprises. You think you've got the wrapped present pegged, and turns out to be something completely unexpected. That was the case with the Gomez trade, where the cardboard box turned out to be a whole lot more fun than the actual toy.
I guess I need to mention the Bruins (new laptop, same old problems capitalizing that word), and I hear they've been up to a few things, including shopping Marc Savard.
Lemme see if I got this straight: Recchi's on for another year, they got Seguin, Horton, and Campbell, Boychuk re-upped, they got rid of Wideman and Sobotka, and are hoping to cut Timmy Thomas loose.
According to Si, the Bruins have very little cap space to play with, so we'll have to see what Santa has planned for Boston fans. Incidentally, I do feel bad for all the Celtics fans: I really wish they had pulled out the game 7 win. I can't stand to see that rapist happy.
So on this, Christmas eve, let me know what you think of the redesign and your predictions for Free Agency. The big question: Who will get Kovalchuk? I can totally see him in a Rangers uniform.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Hab fans to Carey Price: "Fuck this up and we kill you."
Montreal Canadiens management has sent a big fat present to Carey Price in the form trading Jaroslav Halak to St Louis. In a move reminiscent of the Rangers trade of John Vanbiesbrouck, the Habs management has made it clear they are sticking to what many think is a lesser goalie.
The time for the trade was right, as Halak's value has never been, nor might never be, higher. What remains to be seen is whether it was a good decision, and that will only become apparent
1, when we know who the hell the Habs got in exchange (it had better be fucking awesome) and
2, when we see how Price plays in the 2010-2011 season.
If Montreal got some bullshit like Paul Kariya or a draft pick, the conversation is over and the Habs are stupid. If they got a good deal, then we wait and see. EDIT: some guys named Lars Eller and Ian Schultz are in the deal, whoever they are. WTF. Could be we don't even need to look at question #2 to find out whether or not this trade sucks.
Habs fans should not be surprised by such a move, since, as I have pointed out, it was the right time to move Halak. We all knew IF the management wanted to move him, now was the time. And now we know that the management indeed wanted to trade Halak.
Honestly, any of the three options had their pros and cons.
They could have traded Price.
They could have kept both.
They could have traded Halak (and did).
This was by far the most intriguing option.
The time for the trade was right, as Halak's value has never been, nor might never be, higher. What remains to be seen is whether it was a good decision, and that will only become apparent
1, when we know who the hell the Habs got in exchange (it had better be fucking awesome) and
2, when we see how Price plays in the 2010-2011 season.
If Montreal got some bullshit like Paul Kariya or a draft pick, the conversation is over and the Habs are stupid. If they got a good deal, then we wait and see. EDIT: some guys named Lars Eller and Ian Schultz are in the deal, whoever they are. WTF. Could be we don't even need to look at question #2 to find out whether or not this trade sucks.
Habs fans should not be surprised by such a move, since, as I have pointed out, it was the right time to move Halak. We all knew IF the management wanted to move him, now was the time. And now we know that the management indeed wanted to trade Halak.
Honestly, any of the three options had their pros and cons.
They could have traded Price.
They could have kept both.
They could have traded Halak (and did).
This was by far the most intriguing option.
Toronto Maple Leafs: "Jeez, our bad"
The Maple Leafs finally unveiled their jerseys recently, after finally realizing they had been playing in their practice jerseys for three seasons.Tom Anselmi, executive vice-president and chief operating officer for Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment, offered this mea culpa:
"Since we switched to the Reebok Edge jerseys, we have been using the same jerseys for both practices and for games. We only just recently noticed the error, and finally tracked down the box of game jerseys we misplaced back in 2007."
That box of jerseys had apparently been sitting in a janitor's closet in the Air Canada Center for three years.
President and General Manager Brian Burke had this to say, speaking from the MasterCard Centre for Hockey Excellence (the Leafs' ironically named practice facility): "Fucking son of a bitch bastard, what the fuck? What dumb-fuck turd brain forgot to get the real game jerseys? Fuck."
The Leafs chose to unveil the newly-found jerseys as they simultaneously announced that Dion Phaneuf will be the new team captain. Burke offered this comment about the trade that brought Phaneuf from Calgary: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Monday, June 14, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Final Scores and Standings, June 10
Hawks win, and I don't even have to check today's scores to know that #31 is your new Playoff Pool champion.
Last night was a hell of a great game, made less so because of the deplorably bad officiating.
Michael Leighton is a sieve, just like every other Philly goaltender since Ron Hextall.
It's so good to see an original six team win the cup, especially the Blackhawks. They've had a rough ride with bad ownership and bad management. I hope the fans enjoy this--they've certainly been through enough to make this one very sweet.
STFU, Jeremy Roenick. This is THEIR moment, not yours.
Dan Patrick: just...go away.
Next up: The draft, and the wonderful trades that come along with it.
And don't despair: We'll bring you the second installment of the KK awards throughout the summer.
1. #31: 133 (130)
F. Patrick Sharp (CHI) G,W=3
F. Brian Gionta (MON)
F. Henrik Sedin (VAN)
D. Sergei Gonchar (PIT)
D. Tyler Myers (BUF)
G. Ilya Bryzgalov/Coyotes (PHO)
Total: 3
2. P-Stone: 114 (109)
F. Patrick Kane (CHI) G, 2A, W=5
F. Zach Parise (NJ)
F. Alex Semin (WAS)
D. Dan Boyle (SJ)
D. Christian Ehrhoff (VAN)
G. MA Fleury/Pittsburgh (PIT)
Total: 5
3. Capt. Sparrow: 108 (106)
D. Duncan Keith (CHI) A,W=2
F. Pavel Datsyuk (DET)
F. Henrik Zetterberg (DET)
F. Ilya Kovalchuk (NJ)
D. Drew Doughty (LAK)
G. Martin Brodeur/New Jersey (NJ)
Total: 2
4. Geoff: 89 (89)
F. Evgeni Malkin (PIT)
F. Alex Ovechkin (WAS)
F. Johan Franzen (DET)
D. Rob Blake (SJ)
D. Mike Green (WAS)
G. Ryan Miller/Sabres (BUF)
Total: 0
4. BoK: 89 (89)
F. Sidney Crosby (PIT)
F. Nicklas Backstrom (WAS)
F. Derek Roy (BUF)
D. Alexander Edler (VAN)
D. Nicklas Lidstrom (DET)
G. Simeon Varlamov/Capitals (WAS)
Total: 0
Last night was a hell of a great game, made less so because of the deplorably bad officiating.
Michael Leighton is a sieve, just like every other Philly goaltender since Ron Hextall.
It's so good to see an original six team win the cup, especially the Blackhawks. They've had a rough ride with bad ownership and bad management. I hope the fans enjoy this--they've certainly been through enough to make this one very sweet.
STFU, Jeremy Roenick. This is THEIR moment, not yours.
Dan Patrick: just...go away.
Next up: The draft, and the wonderful trades that come along with it.
And don't despair: We'll bring you the second installment of the KK awards throughout the summer.
1. #31: 133 (130)
F. Patrick Sharp (CHI) G,W=3
F. Brian Gionta (MON)
F. Henrik Sedin (VAN)
D. Sergei Gonchar (PIT)
D. Tyler Myers (BUF)
G. Ilya Bryzgalov/Coyotes (PHO)
Total: 3
2. P-Stone: 114 (109)
F. Patrick Kane (CHI) G, 2A, W=5
F. Zach Parise (NJ)
F. Alex Semin (WAS)
D. Dan Boyle (SJ)
D. Christian Ehrhoff (VAN)
G. MA Fleury/Pittsburgh (PIT)
Total: 5
3. Capt. Sparrow: 108 (106)
D. Duncan Keith (CHI) A,W=2
F. Pavel Datsyuk (DET)
F. Henrik Zetterberg (DET)
F. Ilya Kovalchuk (NJ)
D. Drew Doughty (LAK)
G. Martin Brodeur/New Jersey (NJ)
Total: 2
4. Geoff: 89 (89)
F. Evgeni Malkin (PIT)
F. Alex Ovechkin (WAS)
F. Johan Franzen (DET)
D. Rob Blake (SJ)
D. Mike Green (WAS)
G. Ryan Miller/Sabres (BUF)
Total: 0
4. BoK: 89 (89)
F. Sidney Crosby (PIT)
F. Nicklas Backstrom (WAS)
F. Derek Roy (BUF)
D. Alexander Edler (VAN)
D. Nicklas Lidstrom (DET)
G. Simeon Varlamov/Capitals (WAS)
Total: 0
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