The Calamitous Tragedie of Carey Price

Told in Five Acts

Act I:
We begin in medias res, as the young, confident Prince-in-waiting Carey Price wins the champeenship of the AHL, taking MVP honors. Price is then rushed to the magical land of Montreal before he may be quite ready, backing up Cristobal Huet. There are rumors he may gain the crown. The people have been in mourning ever since their past king, or as they refer to him in their tongue, le roi, passed on, many years ago. They are eager for a new king to guide them.

Act II:
Price plays decently, but has his ups and downs, as any rookie does. On one particular night, he is shellacked for three quick goals. He gets the hook and watches Huet win in the biggest comeback the kingdom has ever known. Not long after that, Huet is traded, making Price the King of the land. There are rumors and legends of the once-and-future King, and it is obvious that the wise council of elders, including one who knew the past king, believe Price to be The One. They have read the blogs and listened to the soothsayers on the radio, and they believe the time for The Cup is at hand.

Act III:
The newly anointed King Price struggles in the playoffs, as he is still young and completely unprepared for the burden of Kingship. He fails to conjure miracles or playoff wins as the prophecies said, and the team eventually loses. He then has an up-and-down season, topped off by a disastrous first-round sweep to the minions of the realm of evil, Boston. In a cruel twist of fate, the death of the previous King is re-enacted at the end of this terrible defeat.

Act IV:
King Price begins the next season struggling, and eventually is forced to cede his throne to the regent, Jaro Halak. Price suffers yet further humiliation as he gets an occasional start in place of Halak, plays superbly, only to lose every single time. His men betray him by playing well for Halak, but refusing to win for Price. In one game, he goes out among his men in disguise, dressed as a different goalie wearing different pads and a different mask. The deception works, and he is about to lead his mean to a shutout victory until the final minutes. His teammates discover the ruse and unleash their own plot to sabotage the match and make Price the loser. As Price skates off the ice, he sayeth, "Et tu, O'Byrne?"

Act V:
We see the saddened, broken King Price playing out the remaining years on his contract. The commoners storm the castle and demand King Price be sent into exile, since he has not lived up to the prophecies and outrageous predictions of the muttering sages of The Media. The council of elders, which had been duped into believing in the prophecies, are left with no choice but to let Price go via free agency/trade. There is an obscure ending, in which we see that Price may yet become king in another distant land and lead the people to The Cup, but it will never be in the magical land of Montreal. This brings our sad, woeful tale to...

THE END

Fbbbbhhlyers get their own

On WWII submarines, American sailors had to be very careful how they used the toilet. The phrase "getting your own back" was used quite literally in cases where a sailor did not follow proper procedures in flushing.
I'm reminded of that because of last night's Flyers-Senators game. It's ironic that Daniel Carcillo weighed in on what some call questionable hits from the Sens. It's ironic because Carcillo, though he is the worst offender, represents a team full of dirty players. A few years ago, the Flyers decided to promote themselves as the second coming of the Broad Street Bullies of the 70's. The only resemblance, however, was in the box score with the number of penalties the Flyers were committing. They don't fight, they don't win, and they certainly don't intimidate like their predecessors. The Flyers brand is one of dirty hits and cowardice under the guise of "toughness."

The entire Flyers team got a taste of their own brand of dirty play last night.
Here's a quote: "Nobody should be hit in a vulnerable position along the boards." Was it Patrice Bergeron who said that? One of countless others who has been blindsided by a dirty hit from Hartnell, Laperriere, Richards, Pronger, or Carcillo? Nope. It was Flyers coach Peter Laviolette who uttered that last night. And it's true. Nobody should be hit in a vulnerable position along the boards. Now Peter, turn around, and take that message into your own locker room.

It's golden rule time. If the Flyers don't want to be the targets for questionable hits, they owe that same courtesy to their opponents. Frankly, Daniel Carcillo deserves to be hit more often like he was last night. Every time he grandstands after losing a fight, that's another hit he's owed. Every head shot the Flyers give, that's one owed them. It's good to see the players policing themselves like they did last night. I just hope to see more of it. Until the Flyers learn the difference between "tough" and "dirty," it's open season on them.

Dunder-Mifflin Canadiens Official Memo

To: Everyone
From: Management
RE: Passing

To all Canadiens on-ice personnel: It has come to our attention that some team members are not passing into the slot/crease area when their teammates are open. Please correct this oversight as soon as possible. Any further failure to pass into the slot when a teammate is wide open will result in lots more complaining.

Regards,
Management.

Congratulations!

Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss.

For all the Pierre Gauthier's protestations that he was really really working on starting to do something with Plekanec before the season ended, well...plus ca change, eh?

Same as every damned year, the Free-Agent-To-Be gets tired of the Habs management dicking around, and says "Screw it, we're waiting until other teams come a-knockin' at the end of the season."

Way to alienate yet another free agent, Montreal.

Does anyone really think Plekanec will be back next year?

Habs-Ducks. About Last Night...

Bullet points!

• Saku Koivu is not the former captain of the Montreal Canadiens. He is the CURRENT captain. Since no one has been named to replace him, and (maybe this ought to be a clue to Bob Gainey) since no one is honestly worthy of the title, it still falls to him.
• Why in the name of all that holy and righteous, won't the Habs play decent hockey in front of Carey Price? Argue all you want about who is better right now, but the simple fact is the Habs play like garbage when Price is on the ice. Maybe he should have had that first goal. But then again, maybe Scott Gomez and Roman Hamrlik should have been playing hockey instead of ice dancing during the second goal. Or perhaps someone should tell Benoit Pouliot to actually cover the man in slot.
• Jaro-on-Jaro hits are bad. Please to not do that.
  
• Honestly, I was hoping Koivu would score.
  
• Corey Perry is a fuck-knuckle. Markov and Plekanec show that success is the best revenge.
  
• Hey, Anaheim: How's that Giguere trade working out for ya? Still think Hiller is better?
• Oops. Went to bed with four minutes remaining. Woke up to quite a surprise this morning.
  
• Hearing Markov say "There are no friends on the ice" was only slightly less chilling than hearing Dmitri Medvedev talk about how the disgraced Russian Olympic officials ought to "resign".
  
• Wore my Koivu sweater last night. God, I miss him.
  

This shark, swallow you whole.

No shame in losing to the top team in the West.

















After the game, Tomas Plekanec was overheard talking to Pierre Gauthier:
"I value my neck a lot more than three [million] bucks, chief. I'll find him for three, but I'll catch him, and kill him, for ten. But you've gotta make up your minds. If you want to stay alive, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, be on welfare the whole winter. Ten [million] dollars for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing."

No word yet on whether Gauthier has reached a deal with Plekanec or his agent.

Worst.

Trade.

Deadline.

Day.

EVER.







Well that sucked.
I'm going back to sleep now.

Ho ho ho, Motherfuckers!

Ha. You thought I went away? Well, I was just kidding. I'm back, bitches. And I'm here to tell you, I'mma fuck up your trade deadline day real good. Other fans get to watch their teams make big splashes. It's like Christmas! Well, guess what? I'm on the phone with Washington right now, bee-ahhh. Four words: Halak. Second. Round. Pick. Oh dang, they're being tough on the negotiations. Well, I guess I could settle for a third-rounder. Would that make y'all happy? I bet it would. OK, for reals. You want me to make a deadline move? Well here it is, y'all. Say hi to my special guest, our newest d-man in the HIZZOUSE, my main man, the Breeze-Dog.
























Yo yo yo. Hey bitches, it's me! My man Bob gave me a call, said he needed some backup for this shiznit. Looks like I'll be suiting up and bringing the NOISE! Hells yeah, we gonna party like it's 1996.

Habs-Bruins

So we go right back at it, eh? A moment of solidarity among this Habs fan and his Bruins friends, only to go back to the rivalry.

So be it.

Montreal will try to capitalize on Jaroslav Halak's momentum coming out of the Olympics by playing Carey Price tonight.

Huh?

Maybe Jacques Martin is scared that Zdeno Chara learned all of Jaro's super-secret goalie moves while they were teammates and now has the inside scoop on how Jaro sometimes gives up rebounds. Smart thinking, Jacques.

Proof of the moral superiority of the Habs:

















But seriously. The Bruins brought in Satan to replace Phil Kessel. And if Marc Savard had wheels he'd be a wagon.

Critical Stats:

Montreal Olympians:
Sergei Kostitsyn (Belarus)
Andrei Markov (Russia)
Jaroslav Halak (Slovakia)
Yannick Weber (Switzerland)

Boston Olympians:
David Krejci (Czech Repub.)
Miroslav Satan (Slovakia)
Zdeno Chara (Slovakia)
Marco Sturm (Germany)
Patrice Bergeron (Canada)
Tim Thomas (USA)

Overall medals:
Montreal: 0
Boston: 2

Olympians actually playing tonight:
Montreal: 2/4
Boston: 6 (maybe 5 depending on Thomas)/6

Monarchs of Hell:
Montreal: 0
Boston: 1

Overrated nut-punching children who drive you crazy by winning on the strengths of their teammates and taking all the goddamned credit:
Montreal: 0
Boston: 0

Likelihood Montreal will trade Halak to Washington for a second-round pick tomorrow: 50%.
Likelihood Boston will do anything really useful at the deadline: 0.000046%


Shit, the deadline is tomorrow?

Silver looks nice too...

Congratulations to team Canada.

Some thoughts while watching the game:

• Canada came out STRONG, just like we knew they would.
• That said, they blew their load physically halfway through the game.
• US had the worst special teams play I think I've ever seen by anyone, in any age group, in any league.
  
• AWESOME save by Miller in the third.
  
• Sidney Crosby is NOT a great skater. Wanna know who is? Patrick Kane.
  
• I knew that Canada would be on their heels in the third, as they were probably the worst third-period team in the entire tournament.
• Canada used the four-on-four to compensate for poor skating with good passing and positional play. Honestly, it became very apparent during the third period that, although Canada has supremely good all-around hockey players, their skating is largely suspect.
  
• The US totally left Ryan Miller out to dry during the OT.
  
• Bride of Kovalev totally called it. Sidney Fucking Crosby. Halfway through the third period she said, "Watch the US tie it up and Crosby score in overtime."
• I can handle the US losing to Canada. What I can't handle is watching that nut-punching, overrated child, who was largely invisible for the entire Olympics, score the overtime goal to win the Gold medal. Ugh.
  

Looking at that list, it reads like sour grapes. And I can rail about Canada's shortcomings all I want, but they won the gold, so there's really no point arguing. So I'll put my bitterness aside for a moment and say congratulations to Canada. They may not have been perfect, but they got the job done when it mattered.


In other news, Finland won the Bronze medal, so Saku has that to go along with his Silver from Torino. It's too bad he'll probably never get another chance at Gold.


Later last night, BoK and I kicked Bowser's ass to make ourselves feel better. Even more satisfying than a (well-deserved) cross-check to Corey Perry's face.