It's hard to know how to feel after last night's game. I was, of course, happy the Habs won. But I was not overjoyed, I was not ecstatic, jumping up and down when the game went 4-0 and then 5-0. There was a feeling of relief that disaster had been avoided. And it would have been disastrous, the #1 seed losing to the #8 in the first round. This is not unprecedented, as the Habs did it to the Bruins in 2002, and the Oilers did it in 2006 to advance all the way to the Finals.
All the same, despite the fantastic way the Habs played last night, I could not celebrate.
Shortly before game 6 ended, I turned off the TV. I was disgusted. I was disgusted with Carbonneau's coaching. I was enraged at Bob Gainey for REFUSING to augment the Canadiens with a game-breaker. True, he added Smolinski, Kostopoulos, and dare I say, Brisebois, but those acquisitions only started paying dividends in the playoffs, and they still were not Conn Smythe-type players who could end a series. I had finally had it with Kovalev, a player I have always admired. I wanted him to go to a team where I could still admire his skill, without worrying about how the brain-cramps would harm my favorite team. I was FURIOUS with Streit, who managed to bungle more plays and blue-line passes than I could count. And Carey Price, the much-touted prospect, looked like a fish. And there was more, from Markov to Latendresse, I was enraged.
All this, and I had had enough. Every autographed picture, the wall banner, the Mcfarlanes, the jersey cards, they all went into a box. The jerseys went into the guest room closet. I even took the bumper sticker off my car. I expunged any visible association I had with the Canadiens. I am not proud of this. But it was borne of my utter frustration with a team that has been making empty promises since December 2 1995. I found myself hoping the Canadiens would trade Saku Koivu to a contender so I could watch him get the Stanley Cup. I declared that I was more of a fan of Koivu than the Canadiens.
My explanation was that the Habs had to earn me back as a fan. This happens all the time in sports. Fans come and go, and the people who will some day pack the arena in Chicago to watch the Blackhawks win the Cup will say they have always been true fans. I cannot begin to give an analysis of fanhood: I recommend E's excellent dissertation on Fanaticism in A Theory of Ice.
All I can say is something changed in me. I am not the fan I was, and now I am unsure if I will ever be again. What has me more worried than whether the Habs will earn me back as a fan, is whether I am the one who is really to blame, and whether I have to earn the Habs back as my team.
I have started by recalling all the Koivu memorablilia from purgatory. Make no mistake. The first thing Bride of Kovalev said last night after the game anded was, "The Habs would definitely not have won tonight if Saku Koivu hadn't played." How true. I am ashamed for ever doubting Koivu. I will always be inspired by what he has done; by what he continues to do. I can honestly say I will always cheer for him, no matter where he plays.
The Canadiens may well have faced their toughest opponent in the Bruins, and I may have faced my toughest test ever as a fan. I realize that this is a new experience. I have never seen Montreal in such a favored position. I have been a fan since 1991 or so, yet in all these years, Montreal has never been a #1 seed where success was heavily predicted by all the pundits. This is a brave new world, one in which underdog status is for someone else. And yet, it was THIS year when my faith finally broke. Now I must build it back up.
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