Dwayne Johnson: Fairy

I'm curious why we're seeing ads for the upcoming movie "The Tooth Fairy" running during hockey games. It seems the ad campaign started on the day of the Winter Classic, and I have yet to see a game since without being subjected to it.

I'm not going to see the movie, and probably don't need to in order to tell you it sucks. Plot made simple: It's "The Santa Clause", only with toothfairies. (Aside: Those Tim Allen fiascoes have made it harder to find one of my favorite Christmas movies, "Santa Claus: the Movie.") Besides, didn't The Rock already make a ruinous sports movie? What, it wasn't enough to make football into a farce, Dwayne?

It's not the disregard for even modest accuracy that bothers me (goalie chest pads on a skater?). It's the total lack of any GOOD hockey movies.

What do you think of when someone says "Hockey Movie"? Let's put it another way:
The best way to tell the difference between a real hockey fan and a nincompoop is their response to "name your favorite hockey movie." The former will be duty-bound to say "Slap Shot." The latter will blurt out "The Mighty Ducks", mostly because it's the only hockey movie they know. And that's the problem. We don't have much from which to choose. Below is a pretty exhaustive list:

Slap Shot: Ogilthorpe!
Miracle: Underrated and under-appreciated
The Rocket: A largely overlooked yet outstanding film about Maurice Richard
Mystery Alaska: A very funny film that, while true to amateur hockey, leaves a bit to be desired in its on-ice depictions
Youngblood: A deeply flawed but entertaining film about violence in hockey.
The Deadliest Season: For those who REALLY look long and hard for hockey movies, and featuring Tim 'Dr Hook' McCracken!
The Mighty Ducks travesties: Triple deke!
The Love Guru: Go to hell, Michael Myers.
We won't be discussing Slap Shot 2 because it never happened.
And now, Dwayne as The Fairy.

We'll also leave out the movies that feature casual examples of hockey, such as Chasing Amy or Happy Gilmore.

Like I said, The Rock also made a horrendous football movie, but it's outweighed by a large selection of excellent films. Alas, this season hockey gets Dwayne, while we watch football get Sandra Bullock. No fair.

In fact, ask a fan for his/her favorite football movie and you might get "The Longest Yard" (the ONLY version), "Remember the Titans," or maybe even "Brian's Song."
Sure, there are some bad football movies ("The Replacements"), but they are part of a much larger amount of films devoted to the subject*. So a bad one here and there doesn't really sting - you just wait for the next one, which is certainly already in production.
*Does "Jerry Maguire" count as a football movie? I'm so confused! Tom Cruise makes me confused about so many things! Aghhhh!

We don't get that with hockey. Only once in a while does a movie specifically ABOUT hockey come out, and if it sucks, we have to wait a long, long time for the next one.

So on reflection, what bothers me is not that this Toothfairy nonsense is a bad movie. It's the fact that we get so few movies about hockey.

Let's feed this into the Sports Analogy Creator 9000:
Result: Imagine you're a fan of a particular team that has only managed to make the championship game a couple of times, and most seasons are below 500, with only a few that were really great in recent memory. Analogy complete: You are the Baltimore Orioles.

Pity my dad though. He's a sailing fan, and all he's got to choose from is "Captain Ron" and "Wind". He's the friggin' Kansas City Royals.

Let's also take a moment to feel sorry for the poor figure-skating fans. All they've got is "The Cutting Edge." (Which, while ridiculous, is still required viewing for any hockey player who dates or hopes to date a figure skater. Toe Pick!)

So I suppose it could be worse. We get to watch Olympic hockey (Huzzah!) in a few weeks, and we can always pop in our old copies of Slap Shot, while we wait for the next hockey movie debacle.