We love you too, Kovy!

So Alex Kovalev is making waves, saying he likes the idea of finishing his career in Montreal. Of course, as long as Bob Gainey is GM that likely won't happen. I'm with ya, Kovy. If I could, I'd buy the team, fire Gainey, wait out your contract in Ottawa, sign you back, and for good measure, march up to Gary Bettman and kick him in the nuts. Oh, and I'd bring peace to the Middle East.

So it's settled. Kovy has his heart in Montreal, and this website will keep the name of Kovalev's Kousin. Live Long, and Prosper, Kovalev. (But just so you know, I'm pulling for the Ducks to win the Cup this year.)

For Sale: 1 Truck. All-star forward not included

My wife and I had been talking about buying a truck...maybe we should get this one!
It's the prize Alex Kovalev won for being named the MVP of this year's all-star game. AND, he promises to deliver the truck in person to the winner. The proceeds benefit Kovy's charity, the Alex Kovalev Foundation (it benefits kids with heart conditions).

I want that truck. If I won it, I'd kidnap Kovy as soon as he came to my house and demand that the Senators trade him back to Montreal. Somehow, I don't think Kovalev would mind...


One thing though, Alex. It's spelled Canadiens.

Is it hockey season yet?

Jeez, August kills me. Everyone goes on vacation, the days are hot, and it seems nothing happens. Still no news, even on our dearly departed free agents. Bouillon, Lang, Tanguay, Brisebois(HA!), Dandenault, Schneider; all unsigned, thus preventing me from even posting about folks who don't even play for Montreal anymore! You may recall my post where I presented my three players jerseys/shirts. Well, I'm still waiting for the third, Francis Bouillon to be signed somewhere..anywhere! so I can end the suspense.

Well, I'll leave you with this quote from Anne Applebaum from the Washington Post:

"It's a fact: Nothing happens in August. A curtain of heat descends across the Northern Hemisphere. Shops close. Congress goes home. Washington fills up with interns, Paris swarms with tourists. Even the Russians are out in the woods, picking mushrooms.
Yes, nothing happens in August -- except, as we all know, when something really terrible happens in August. World War I began in August, Saddam Hussein's invasion of Kuwait began in August, al-Qaeda was preparing to bring down the World Trade Center in August. August, in other words, is the time when all of us should prepare our backup plans, chart our reversals of course, think through possible paradigm changes".

Hmm. Paradigm change certainly describes the state of the Montreal Canadiens.

Vindication

Something told me there was something fishy when the cabbie's lawyer said everything was getting blown out of proportion. It seemed to me they had something to hide. Turns out I was right. The cabbie didn't have a license, but DID have two drunk driving convictions, and Patrick Kane is also telling us that the Cabbie locked the doors and wouldn't let him out of the Taxi.

Huzzah for being right.


In other news, we have one more reason to hate the Maple Leafs: Jim Balsillie is alleging that it's the Make-me-laffs who are leading the charge to keep him from buying the Coyotes and moving them to Hamilton.
Makes sense. After all, the Leafs whined and bitched until gary bettman moved them to the Eastern/Wales Conference. Chris Lee is the worst of them, but some NHL referees conspicuously tilt the ice in favor of the Leafs.
It stands to reason that the Leafs are acting in their own interest. After all, what does it matter to them that they have to share their supposedly league-leading revenue stream with the Coyotes, as long as it keeps them out of their back yard?
In any case, I'm tempted to believe Mr. Balsillie, even if the NHL thinks he is 'untrustworthy'.
Talk to me about destroying a sports league, Mr. Buttman. THAT is untrustworthy.

A little Bruins love...

Damn, this is getting hard. Um, I totally meant that writing about hockey is difficult during the dog-days of summer, not about anything else.



Seriously, I'm having trouble coming up with content now that the Annual Kovy Awards have been given out and the Free Agency thing is soooo two months ago. So, Hot Girls it is. I didn't know the bruins (seriously--I tried five times for my keyboard to capitalize that "B". I think it hates Zdeno Chara too...) were using hot chicks to sell hockey. I was thinking of doing some sort of bracket for all the Ice Girls league-wide, but that would take a lot of research. It's research I'm willing to do, mind you, but it might be too time-consuming trying to fit ALL the Ice Girls in. Inevitably someone would get left out, and, well, you know how women are...

In any case, here's a link to the bruins' (again, with the B, keyboard!) Ice Girls. We don't have any of those Ice Girls in Montreal, so we have to settle for the Four Habs Fans posting borderline pornography to get our Sex/Hockey fix.



Oh, btw, we may not have Ice Girls, but the chick in that bruins (seriously, it's the keyboard, folks. I'm not even kidding) ad was totally hot.

Bad Taxi Drivers

So Patrick Kane was arrested for beating up a taxi driver who refused to give him 20 cents in change. He and his cousin apparently then took the money they had given the driver.

This reminds me of an incident that happened to me during my bachelor party weekend in Boston. My buddies and I took a cab from the hotel to a local...ahem...establishment, but quickly realized the guy was driving in figure-eights. We asked him a couple of times what he was doing, to which we only got mumbles. Finally my buddy Bryan got fed up and told the driver to stop right effing now, and as we got out and Bryan paid the fare, he told the driver to give him every last penny in change for his $10. If that driver had tried to stiff him 20 cents, it would have ended very badly. There is nothing like being in a taxi and realizing that the person you are trusting to navigate a strange city for you is in fact stealing money from your pocket. It's an uncomfortable situation to have to ask the cabbie why you recognize the street he's on-even moreso when you KNOW you're being taken, and have to decide what to do about it. Cab drivers who pull this shit deserve to get beat up.

I'm tempted to think that's what happened with Kane. I seriously doubt Kane was living out some Grand Theft Auto fantasy by beating up a cab driver and taking his fare away just for the hell of it. I'll hold off on passing judgement until we hear his side of the story.

Then again, in my situation, we probably got what we deserved for not friggin WALKING. It was Boston, after all.

The Soon-to-be-Named-after-its-First-Recipient Trophy

Awarded to the team that has no business being in its current location

And the winner is:

The Phoenix Coyotes, AKA Gary Bettman's Folly


Zero! Zero teams in Hamilton! Ah ah ah!








Memo to Gary Bettman: Kill yourself. Everything you have done to the NHL has been a catastrophe. Glow Pucks. Reebok Edge Jerseys. Expansion. Killing an entire season. Killing half a season after the best media coverage and exposure the league ever had in 1994. Eliminating traditional, awesome division and conference names in favor of bland geographical ones. Letting NBC cut off an overtime playoff game in favor of two hours TALKING ABOUT horsey racing. The current state of officiating. All can be laid at Bettman's feet. Which brings us to the grandest of all of Bettman's ill-planned debacles, the Phoenix Coyotes.

Simply put, the team does not work. It makes no money, and drains revenue from real teams. I don't know if my buddy Derek bought that Milan Lucic sweater, but if he did, a lot of that $150 or so he paid went straight to Phoenix.

Bettman's steaming turd of a folly is starting to stink in the sweltering sun of Phoenix. But instead of admitting he made a mistake, Bettman is digging in, to the point of dereliction of his duty as Commissioner. The facts: Bettman's job is to act in the best interest of the league. That can be widely interpreted, but one thing that is not open for interpretation is money. Jim Ballsillie has offered $212 million for the team, but Bettman has rejected that offer, and is only considering offers that wil keep the team in Phoenix. By the way, those offers he IS considering are well below Ballsillie's. So Bettman is waging a personal war, both against Jim Ballsillie (whom he seems to despise for the shameful crime of being a competent businessman) and the vast majority of folks who are shouting, "Gary, move the fucking team!" Since Bettman refuses to accept the most lucrative, sensible deal for the league, he is no longer doing his job. He is Acting in Bad Faith.

Luckily, this may be out of Bettman's hands now. The Coyotes are in bankruptcy, and the courts get to decide the team's fate. Judge Redfield Baum has told Bettman to STFU, that ALL offers will be accepted in the team's auction, including Ballsillie's (which happens to be the highest so far).

Unfortunately, Phoenix is not the only poorly-located team, just the worst. The Tampa Bay Lightning have abysmal attendance. (21st in the league) What happened to all those fans who packed the St Pete Times building when the team was winning the Stanley Cup? Oh, they don't go to games anymore? They're fair-weather fans? Shocking. The Predators (27th) suck revenue from every northern team because of their horrible attendance. The Atlanta Thrashers: 29th in attendance. Source here

Hockey in the desert does not work. Bettman's plan to bring the sport to southern audiences has been a colossal failure, and Phoenix is exhibit A.

This has turned into a rant against GB, but really, he and the Phoenix Coyotes are inextricably linked. Congratulations on winning the hereby-named Phoenix Coyotes trophy, Gary. You must be truly proud. You arrogant piece of shit.



By the way, I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Check out this great video of Detroit fans booing the jackass. And good on the Red Wings fans for making it clear it was NOT Pittsburg, or even Sidney Crosby, they were booing. It was all for Bettman.


http://bleacherreport.com/articles/227304-gary-bettmans-act-is-wearing-thin?=related-tabs

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/197395-the-nhls-demise-in-phoenix-gary-bettmans-mistake

http://www.garybettmansucks.com/

http://www.firebettman.com/

The Alexei Yashin Memorial Trophy

Awarded to the league's most overpaid player

And the winner is:

Rick DiPietro


You'd think with the money he's getting, he could afford some less-ridiculous pads...


You could have taken your pick of the three nominees, but for the recent signings of two more goalies in Hempstead. First the Islanders picked up Dwayne Roloson, presumably as insurance against the oft-injured 12-year contract man. Fair enough; Roloson was platooned with Fernandez in Minnesota, so it's familiar territory. Then, the Islanders signed Martin Biron, apparently acknowledging that DiPietro is in fact nothing more than dead weight.

Let's look over the numbers. This isn't one of those deals that makes it easier to trade the player when he has one or two years left and is only getting one million or less for that time. DiPietro's contract pays him 4.5 million dollars every year until the end of the 20-21 season. Folks, that's $54,000,000 he's going to get (minus a buyout) for watching hockey games from the pressbox of the Nassau Mausoleum.

The Claude Lemieux Trophy

Awarded to the league's biggest pansy for acts of cowardice and gutlessness.

And the winner is:

Sidney Crosby



I don't care if he is the captain of a Cup-winning team. He still has not shown he is mature enough to be worthy of wearing the "C" of any team. This whiny, bitchy, spoiled brat needs some lessons in humility and sportsmanship, pronto.

The Gorton's Fisherman Memorial Trophy:

Awarded for the league's worst uniform

And the winner is:

The Montreal Canadiens



No surprises here. These sweaters were from a different time, before hockey was on TV. These are more similar to rugby jerseys than hockey sweaters, and they are better left in the past.

The Mario Tremblay Memorial Trophy:

Awarded to the league's worst coach

And the winner is:

Guy Carbonneau/Bob Gainey



Carbonneau came into his coaching job with reasonably high expectations. He had been a successful captain on a Cup-winner, an important leader on another Cup-winning team, and had done well as an assistant GM.

So what happened? Carbonneau became quickly famous for his sarcastic smirk every time the Habs received a penalty. That, combined with a penchant for whining at every single call, earned the ire of NHL referees.

Carbonneau contributed to a lack of cohesion on the Habs by constantly mixing lines. Defensemen often appeared on the number one and two forward lines. Rather than rewarding good play or finding chemistry, Carbonneau's line-shuffling was used to punish mistakes. (Hint: a good coach doesn't coach mistakes. he coaches habits.) Carbonneau's particular habit only got worse, and by the time he was fired on March 9, the line shuffling had made the players so tense and nervous that they had forgotten how to play intelligently.

Of course, by then the damage had been done, and Bob Gainey was completely unable to motivate the Canadiens, and with a 6-6 record for the remainder of the season, the Habs were unable to rise above 8th place. The playoffs were not even worth considering, as Montreal was swept without ever looking like they had a chance, or that the players even cared.